Tag: trust

Respect acceptance • authenticity • awareness • kindness • love • self-awareness • trust • understanding July 27, 2024 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

An Essential Quality in a Happy Relationship. Part Three

Respect

It is easy to notice a lack of respect, but defining it isn’t as easy.

To have respect for someone else, you must have respect for yourself.

Definition of Respect

Respect is showing regard for someone’s abilities and worth. It means valuing their feelings and their views, even if you don’t agree. It means accepting them on an equal footing and giving them the same consideration you would expect for yourself.

Respect is treating someone with kindness, understanding and compassion and accepting them for who they are.

Respect begins with oneself.

Respect is learned by experience. It is also defined by culture.

The Importance of Respect in Your Circle

The basis for respect lies in our values. It’s difficult to respect someone’s behavior if it is on the opposite end of the spectrum of what we consider respectful.

Let’s say your dog is well trained in regard to barking and walking. It is important to you not to disturb your neighbors. You feel that this shows respect for their privacy and right to quiet enjoyment of their home.

You realize that the sidewalk is a public place where everyone can safely walk. Therefore, your dog knows to walk calmly and is on a short leash when someone approaches.

Across the street from you lives a person whose dog is always barking and jumping at the fence or the window. When you cross paths on your walk, their leash tangles around your feet.

Maybe that person is from a different culture where those things aren’t important. Everyone is loud and rowdy, and dogs run wild and bark freely.

Since you live relatively close to each other it gets difficult. You may be able to grudgingly give respect for their cultural values, but living so closely will gradually erode your effort at respect.

Respect in Your Relationship

Respect is a vital component of any healthy relationship. It is part of the five essential qualities for a good relationship. https://encinitas-counseling.com/part-one-one-of-the-essential-qualities-in-a-happy-relationship/

As we discussed in previous posts, the foundation for a healthy respectful relationship is understanding your and your partner’s values. https://encinitas-counseling.com/an-essential-quality-in-happy-relationships/

You can love someone yet struggle to have respect. If one of your values is living a healthy lifestyle, yet your partner can’t seem to stop eating cookies and chips while their blood sugar keeps going up.

Here are some helpful questions about your beliefs about respect. It is important that you discuss these with your partner and share your definitions of what respect means to either of you.

What are your boundaries? Your partner’s boundaries?
What behavior is a deal breaker?
What are your definitions of respect? Does your partner share those definitions?
What are examples of respect and disrespect?
Do you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner?
Can you trust your partner? What does trust looks like in your daily life?
What happens if one of you is disrespectful? How will you handle this?

Each relationship is unique and has different issues. Determine what yours are.

Is your partner constantly looking at his phone when he’s home? Have you discussed that this feels disrespectful to you, particularly when you are trying to discuss some important concerns? Can you talk about this and find a happy medium?

Is your wife always talking and never really listening to you? Some people feel compelled to talk a lot. They’re always talking over other people. Always working on the response, rather than listening to what is being said by their partner.

This kind of compulsion requires serious effort on your partner’s side. This could be something that would benefit from counseling.

How to Build Respect in Your Relationship

Once you lose respect, like trust, it is difficult to rebuild.

You can rebuild trust if disrespectful behavior is not abusive and recurring.

Being in a relationship is sometimes difficult, even for the happiest, healthiest couples. You’re bound to disagree, make poor decisions, experience mood changes, and cross boundaries.

Here are some helpful ways you can build respect:

Open and honest communication. It is better to communicate honestly than to worry about hurting your partner’s feelings, because if you are not honest about your feelings and beliefs, it will eventually come out and their feelings will be hurt more deeply than if you had expressed your thoughts early on.
Support each other’s interests. You don’t have to share the same interests. Everyone has different interests, passions, and hobbies and it’s important to support what your partner values, if it isn’t damaging to the relationship. Maybe your partner loves to travel, but you don’t. Don’t deter her from going with friends. You are supporting her passion and by acknowledging and accepting this, it will build respect in your relationship.
Take responsibility for your actions. Don’t blame outside circumstances or another person. We’ve all known people who never admit their part in the issue. It brings to mind a child who wants to avoid getting in trouble. That is not a behavior that inspires respect.

The most essential quality for a healthy foundation in a relationship is self-awareness and it is critical that you notice how your behavior is affecting your relationship. How much are you bringing to the relationship and how is your stress affecting your ability to show up for your partner?

See more https://medium.com/@neuckh/couples-in-happy-relationships-do-these-five-simple-things-0ae7b7cc6c27

https://www.verywellmind.com/respect-is-vital-to-building-a-healthy-relationship-5206110

Marriage communication • emotional faithfulness • faithfulness • forgiveness • honesty • humility • love • patience • self-awareness • selflessness • time • transparency • trust March 8, 2015 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Marriage

Marriage is one of the most difficult relationships to get right. At least a healthy, successful one. Just look at the divorce rate in this country. It’s sad!

There is so much advice out there and I’ve read a lot of it. Some of the tips and suggestions offered seem almost ridiculous.

Yet, isn’t it what we all long for? A relationship in which we can be ourselves, where we feel seen, accepted and can experience true intimacy.

It requires a number of moving parts. People disagree on what they are, but the extraordinary and strong relationships I know have the same ingredients in common.

Here is a summary of essential tips for a happy and rewarding marriage. Joshua Becker is a contributor. You can find his blog at https://www.becomingminimalist.com

1. Love/Commitment. Love is the decision to be committed to another person. It is a daily decision to honor that commitment. It is far more than a fleeting emotion as portrayed on television, the big screen, and romance novels. Feelings come and go, I am sure you have noticed that by now. A true decision to be committed lasts forever – and that is what defines true love. It is a decision to be committed through the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. When things are going well, commitment is easy. But true love is displayed by remaining committed even through the trials of life.

2. Self-awareness. Be willing to look at yourself with some honesty. Watch your behavior. Are you always doing the talking, never listening? Are you really as laid back as you like to think? Do you tell little white lies, but insist that you are a sincere and truthful person? Do you try to please others too much, but feel resentful? You get the idea. If others repeatedly tell you a certain something, maybe it’s time to look if it’s true. It is important to assess yourself on a consistent basis in order to live with integrity in your life and your marriage. What you do, say, feel and think are in congruence. This eliminates conflict.

3. Sexual and Emotional Faithfulness. Faithfulness in marriage includes more than just our bodies. It also includes our eyes, mind, heart, and soul. When we devote our minds to sexual fantasies about another person, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse. When we offer moments of emotional intimacies to another, we sacrifice faithfulness to our spouse. It is not ok to complain about your spouse to the opposite sex. Devote yourself to your spouse. Sexual faithfulness requires self-discipline and an awareness of the consequences. Refuse to put anything in front of your eyes, body, or heart that would compromise your faithfulness, emotional or physical.

4. Humility. We all have weaknesses and relationships always reveal these faults quicker than anything else on earth. An essential building block of a healthy marriage is the ability to admit that you are not perfect, that you will make mistakes, and that you will need forgiveness. Holding an attitude of superiority or constantly criticizing will bring about resentment and will prevent your relationship from moving forward. If you struggle in this area, grab a pencil and quickly write down three things that your partner does better than you – that simple exercise should help you stay humble. Repeat as often as necessary.

5. Patience/Forgiveness. Because no one is perfect (see #3), patience and forgiveness will always be required in a marriage relationship. Successful marriage partners learn to show unending patience and forgiveness to their partner. They humbly admit their own faults and do not expect perfection from their partner. They do not bring up past errors in an effort to hold their partner hostage. And they do not seek to make amends or get revenge when mistakes occur. If you are holding onto a past hurt from your partner, forgive him or her. It will set your heart and relationship free. Sometimes forgiveness takes time, but be willing, because ultimately it keeps you from becoming bitter.

6. Time. Relationships don’t work without time investment. Never have, never will. Every successful relationship requires intentional, quality time together. And quality time rarely happens when quantity time is absent. The relationship with your spouse should be the most intimate and deep relationship you have. Therefore, it is going to require more time than any other relationship. If possible, set aside time each day for each other. Spend time thinking of new and different ways to have fun together. Getting stuck in a rut is deadly.

7. Honesty and Trust. Honesty and trust become the foundation for everything healthy in a marriage. But unlike most of the other essentials on this list, trust takes time. You can become selfless, committed, or patient in a moment, but trust always takes time. Trust is only built after weeks, months, and years of being who you say you are and doing what you say you’ll do. It is about having integrity. It takes time, so start now… and if you need to rebuild trust in your relationship, you’ll need to work even harder.

8. Communication. Successful marriage partners communicate as much as possible. They discuss kids’ schedules, grocery lists, and utility bills. But they don’t stop there. They also communicate hopes, dreams, fears, and anxieties. They don’t just discuss the changes that are taking place in the kid’s life, they also discuss the changes that are taking place in their own hearts and souls. This essential key cannot be overlooked because honest, forthright communication becomes the foundation for so many other things on this list: commitment, patience, and trust… just to name a few.

9. Transparency. This is a part of communication; honest, authentic, soul-baring communication. You have to be willing to share your deepest, sometimes darkest self. There is no holding back or being secretive about certain things. Without this willingness to be open, to be transparent, there can be no true intimacy.

10. Selflessness. Although it will never show up on any survey, more marriages are broken up by selfishness than any other reason. Surveys blame it on finances, lack of commitment, infidelity, or incompatibility, but the root cause for most of these reasons is selfishness. A selfish person is committed only to himself or herself, shows little patience, and never learns how to be a successful spouse. Give your hopes, dreams, and life to your partner. And begin to live life together.

Marriage can be an amazing, nurturing and deeply intimate journey with another human being. Marriage can feed your soul, your heart and your mind. Marriage can be hot and exciting. Marriage can be anything the two of you want to create…….

Marriage requires that you stay present! It is demanding, but the rewards are worth it. Spending your life with another person can bring experiences and emotions that are beyond words.

Inspiration Intuition guidance • inner knowing • Intuition • sixth sense • soul • spirit • trust October 15, 2013 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Intuition…..Is it real?

Listening to your gut. Inner voice. Instinct. A strong “sense” or “knowing”…

Whatever you want to call it, your intuition is a naturally built-in guidance system within you that will always lead you in the right direction in life.

Have you ever had the strong urge to speak to a stranger?
Have you ever just known that you had to take a certain action even though it seemed illogical or irrational? It only became clear much later why you had to do that.
Have you ever had a sick feeling in your stomach that you were compromising yourself, your integrity in a work situation or a friendship?
Have you ever been in an argument and you knew that you shouldn’t say what you are about to say, because you knew it would cause damage?
Have you ever felt strongly like leaving a job, a relationship or a friendship, but you could not explain why it was so urgent?
Have you ever taken a different route or turn in the road just because a strong feeling came over you?

This is your intuition speaking to you!

When you allow your intuition to guide your thoughts and actions, you feel on track. You trust in the universe to bring you what you need, to lead you to the appropriate people and situations.

You feel calmer, less stressed and have a sense of confidence in knowing that things will work out.

If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

Once you begin to listen and follow your intuition, it becomes easier and easier to tune in to making the right choices, to sense the appropriate actions that put you in the flow. You are no longer swimming upstream. Things will fall into place, whether in your relationships, finances, business, health, love or any other area of your life. The more you trust it, the more empowered, stronger and happier you will become.

Your intuition already somehow knows who you truly want to become and guides you toward that.

Trust that small voice inside of you and it will never lead you astray!

Gratitude Counseling • faith • Gratitude • Happiness • having enough • love • soul • spirit • trust September 15, 2013 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Gratitude

Gratitude turns what you have into enough. When you are in a grateful state of mind, you’ll feel more positive, life is better and you’ll start attracting more positive people and circumstances. Thankfulness is an attitude that you can practice and develop. The whole experience of gratitude—is really about forcing ourselves to pay attention to the good things in life, things we’d otherwise take for granted. Start a journal about feeling grateful. I don’t think it’s necessary or even all that good to write every single day. There is the tendency to get numb to all the good things in our lives. It is similar to the numbness we develop when watching too much violence and suffering.

Start by feeling grateful for being alive. Give thanks for your body, even if you don’t like everything about it. Imagine not having this body, imagine not being able to touch, see, feel and hear the life around you. Now look at your hands! Appreciate all they do and feel. Feel your skin as you rub that lotion in, notice as you touch that fuzzy blanket, your furry pet, that round stone from the beach. Hug someone in your family or a friend and really feel them. Do that with your eyes, your ears, your sense of taste and smell………..

So pay attention to your senses! What are you seeing? Notice the things you normally take for granted, like the colors of the flowers or the glistening of the snow. Notice the details in the landscape you see every day. Look at it with new eyes.

Listen, especially when it is quiet. Can you hear the wind rustling the leaves in the tree? Do you hear that dog barking? If he annoys you, imagine not being able to hear anything? That joy of hearing the birds in the morning. People laughing, a song you love, the sound of your kids’ voices……….notice the sounds of life all around you.

Enjoy the taste of your food. We usually gobble our meals without really considering what we are eating or drinking. Savor your food, anything can become a feast if you slow down and appreciate the flavors.

Smell that fresh coffee in the morning. The air right after it rained. The food, the flowers, that perfume you love, the smell of a newborn.

If it all gets to be too much, you are overwhelmed and no amount of goodwill is going to make a difference: get away! Leave the house, the job, the kids, maybe the country. Take some time off. Explore a different way of life. It’s ok, we are all just doing the best we can.

Avoid the trap of being grateful for something that is better than what other people have. Instead, compare whatever you are grateful for and imagine how you would feel if you didn’t have it at all. What if you wouldn’t have that family, those friends, or even your problems. What if you had Steven Hawkins’ problems, or President Obama’s or even your neighbor’s or friend’s problems? Practice gratitude and appreciation for everything in your life: people, abilities, experiences, our planet, plants…..the list is endless.

Usually our best memories are made when we are playful, light-hearted. Realize beauty in every moment, and in everyday activities. Make time for those moments. Be spontaneous. The most playful people are the ones who are most “tuned in” to the present. They’re so fascinated by the world at the moment that they’re always finding ways to engage it! For me one of the best ways to have fun and be completely present is boogie-boarding. It is pure joy to feel the water against my skin as I glide along on the wave.

People who have a strong sense of gratitude and count their blessings are generally happier and healthier. It is tough to feel thankful when things aren’t going right and you are stressed to the max. For that reason it is absolutely essential that you take a deep breath, get in the moment and find something to appreciate. You may tell me that I don’t understand because your deadline is in 5 minutes or the house is on fire……. but I maintain as long as you are physically safe – stop, breathe and find something good about your life right now. Like the old saying goes, “The past is history, the future is a mystery, and the present is a present”.

I love this prayer from Unity Church:

The light of God surrounds me;
The love of God enfolds me;
The power of God protects me;
The presence of God watches over me.
Wherever I am, God is and all is well.

It helps me to become present, to know that in this very moment I have all I need and everything is well. The world will not end because I am late for my appointment or I forgot to send that email. Choose Gratitude!

Become present. Know that in this moment all is well.
Relax! You can’t appreciate anything when you are stressed
Pay attention to your senses.
Every once in a while get away from it all.
Be playful!

To become a grateful goddess contact me.

Faith belief • faith • guidance • soul • spirit • trust June 13, 2012 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Trust/Faith and Irregular Posts

Oh boy I was so caught up writing my second book that I neglected my blog.

I was given the opportunity to watch how trust and faith work in our lives this past weekend. I want to share that with you, because if you are like me you need affirmation and reminders.

My friend Amy hit a rough spot in her life. Her car (I think it’s a lemon) did not start, she still had no job offers, her laptop finally broke completely and her cell phone was falling apart (the back had fallen off long ago and now the battery had fallen out). That meant no way to apply for a job and even if she could get one, she had no way to get there. It seemed that it could not get any darker, unless she became sick.

To be honest, she was not doing well. Fear almost got the better of her. Somehow….I admire that woman…..she kept affirming her faith and trust in a higher power, God. I tried to be positive with her, but really I did not hold out much hope. This was Friday evening.

On Monday morning she called AAA and had her car towed to a garage, where they discovered a tiny little problem that kept the car from starting. The cost: $56. Two hours after that, she found her phone battery and listened to a message asking her to call back. It was the manager of a company she had applied to and she got the job.

To top it off, a family member had an extra laptop that he let her borrow.

In a matter of three days her life turned around completely. I was stunned. It humbled me.

My upcoming book “How to create Passion, Spirit, Adventure in your life” has many of those uplifting stories. It seems that I should keep reading it to not lose my own faith. How are you keeping your trust and faith? Do you have a ritual that helps keep you on the path?