Tag: self-awareness

Respect acceptance • authenticity • awareness • kindness • love • self-awareness • trust • understanding July 27, 2024 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

An Essential Quality in a Happy Relationship. Part Three

Respect

It is easy to notice a lack of respect, but defining it isn’t as easy.

To have respect for someone else, you must have respect for yourself.

Definition of Respect

Respect is showing regard for someone’s abilities and worth. It means valuing their feelings and their views, even if you don’t agree. It means accepting them on an equal footing and giving them the same consideration you would expect for yourself.

Respect is treating someone with kindness, understanding and compassion and accepting them for who they are.

Respect begins with oneself.

Respect is learned by experience. It is also defined by culture.

The Importance of Respect in Your Circle

The basis for respect lies in our values. It’s difficult to respect someone’s behavior if it is on the opposite end of the spectrum of what we consider respectful.

Let’s say your dog is well trained in regard to barking and walking. It is important to you not to disturb your neighbors. You feel that this shows respect for their privacy and right to quiet enjoyment of their home.

You realize that the sidewalk is a public place where everyone can safely walk. Therefore, your dog knows to walk calmly and is on a short leash when someone approaches.

Across the street from you lives a person whose dog is always barking and jumping at the fence or the window. When you cross paths on your walk, their leash tangles around your feet.

Maybe that person is from a different culture where those things aren’t important. Everyone is loud and rowdy, and dogs run wild and bark freely.

Since you live relatively close to each other it gets difficult. You may be able to grudgingly give respect for their cultural values, but living so closely will gradually erode your effort at respect.

Respect in Your Relationship

Respect is a vital component of any healthy relationship. It is part of the five essential qualities for a good relationship. https://encinitas-counseling.com/part-one-one-of-the-essential-qualities-in-a-happy-relationship/

As we discussed in previous posts, the foundation for a healthy respectful relationship is understanding your and your partner’s values. https://encinitas-counseling.com/an-essential-quality-in-happy-relationships/

You can love someone yet struggle to have respect. If one of your values is living a healthy lifestyle, yet your partner can’t seem to stop eating cookies and chips while their blood sugar keeps going up.

Here are some helpful questions about your beliefs about respect. It is important that you discuss these with your partner and share your definitions of what respect means to either of you.

What are your boundaries? Your partner’s boundaries?
What behavior is a deal breaker?
What are your definitions of respect? Does your partner share those definitions?
What are examples of respect and disrespect?
Do you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner?
Can you trust your partner? What does trust looks like in your daily life?
What happens if one of you is disrespectful? How will you handle this?

Each relationship is unique and has different issues. Determine what yours are.

Is your partner constantly looking at his phone when he’s home? Have you discussed that this feels disrespectful to you, particularly when you are trying to discuss some important concerns? Can you talk about this and find a happy medium?

Is your wife always talking and never really listening to you? Some people feel compelled to talk a lot. They’re always talking over other people. Always working on the response, rather than listening to what is being said by their partner.

This kind of compulsion requires serious effort on your partner’s side. This could be something that would benefit from counseling.

How to Build Respect in Your Relationship

Once you lose respect, like trust, it is difficult to rebuild.

You can rebuild trust if disrespectful behavior is not abusive and recurring.

Being in a relationship is sometimes difficult, even for the happiest, healthiest couples. You’re bound to disagree, make poor decisions, experience mood changes, and cross boundaries.

Here are some helpful ways you can build respect:

Open and honest communication. It is better to communicate honestly than to worry about hurting your partner’s feelings, because if you are not honest about your feelings and beliefs, it will eventually come out and their feelings will be hurt more deeply than if you had expressed your thoughts early on.
Support each other’s interests. You don’t have to share the same interests. Everyone has different interests, passions, and hobbies and it’s important to support what your partner values, if it isn’t damaging to the relationship. Maybe your partner loves to travel, but you don’t. Don’t deter her from going with friends. You are supporting her passion and by acknowledging and accepting this, it will build respect in your relationship.
Take responsibility for your actions. Don’t blame outside circumstances or another person. We’ve all known people who never admit their part in the issue. It brings to mind a child who wants to avoid getting in trouble. That is not a behavior that inspires respect.

The most essential quality for a healthy foundation in a relationship is self-awareness and it is critical that you notice how your behavior is affecting your relationship. How much are you bringing to the relationship and how is your stress affecting your ability to show up for your partner?

See more https://medium.com/@neuckh/couples-in-happy-relationships-do-these-five-simple-things-0ae7b7cc6c27

https://www.verywellmind.com/respect-is-vital-to-building-a-healthy-relationship-5206110

Happiness Mindfulness acceptance • awareness • Happiness • inner peace • life changing • mindfulness • mindfulness meditation • mindfulness practice • mindfulness trainig • mindfulness workshop • observing • peace • self-awareness • watching April 8, 2016 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

The One Thing That Will Change Your Life

How do we change? Some of you have heard me talk about this before, but it’s so powerful, it’s good to hear it again.

Most of the time we learn through pain. I am no different.

There it was again, this sense of feeling trapped and helpless in my situation. Someone who means a lot to me had done something that rocked my world…..not in a good way.

This triggered old thoughts and behaviors, like “no one really loves me and I am a bad person”. I went into a downward spiral, feeling overwhelmingly alone and betrayed.

Before I knew it, I was in a dark pit, taking me to a scary place…… making me feel like this was the theme of my life.

Yet, some small part of me recognized that I had felt out of control like this too many times in my life!

There had to be a better way!

This led me on a journey where I discovered that there is an easier way to change old patterns than practicing psychotherapy. Don’t get me wrong, I believe it is invaluable to explore the origins of our thoughts and behaviors.

But it takes a long time…..and doesn’t always work.

I know……. I had spent my life exploring and analyzing and, still here I was, falling right back into my old patterns. It happened in a flash, like someone else was pulling all the strings.

You may recognize this. It’s not just something that only takes hold of me. I’ve seen this with clients, in classes and retreats.

A trigger sets off an avalanche of emotions and behaviors. We are feeling trapped in ourselves.

We don’t always recognize the fork in the road. I didn’t at the time.

Sometimes it’s an article, a workshop, a retreat or a person who has something powerful to share, but you aren’t quite ready to hear it all. That’s how it started for me, years ago.

However, a seed was planted. When the soil was ready, specifically, when I was open enough, when I had had enough pain, this seed began to sprout. From there it was almost magical. Information, people and situations showed up that guided me along and showed me the way to change my life.

Here is what I discovered: Being willing to stop, breathe and observe, changed my life.

It may sound simple, but it isn’t necessarily easy. It requires practice.

It’s a skill we have to develop, a muscle we have to grow.

We think we are our thoughts, we believe we are our feelings. Yet they are only a part of us, not the entirety. We are so much more!

You are not your thoughts

We think, all day long, as long as we are awake. That is what our minds do…..one thought after another. Random thoughts, habitual thoughts, deep thoughts, shallow thoughts. Our mind analyzes, plans, remembers, likes, judges, compares, blames…… thoughts perpetually rising and falling.

We identify with those thoughts. If something happens, our mind jumps to certain thoughts and runs with those, like I’m no good, for example. You know that you can create a whole painful scenario from that one thought.

Yet, when you stop and watch your thoughts, you become aware that they are impermanent.

When we are willing to stop, breathe and recognize that we are thinking, when we step back and watch ourselves thinking, we can take back our power!

It requires a willingness to observe without judgment, like a scientist.

It is similar to lying in the grass watching the clouds or sitting by a river, just observing what flows downstream.

You recognize this is not you!! These thoughts are not a fact. You are so much more than these thoughts. They cannot take your equilibrium, your peace, your happiness.

Because, you see, just by being willing to observe your thoughts, you acknowledge their existence. Whenever we are willing to acknowledge something, it loses its urgency.

You are not your emotions

Emotions arise from our thoughts.

We may not recognize when a certain feeling originated, what thought began the wild ride downhill. But if we are willing to step back and observe ourselves feeling a disturbing emotion, we create the space in which we can recognize that we are not this emotion.

There is no need to fight or resist what is there. Just breathe and observe.

This is not you! It is simply an emotion that arose from thoughts, which are floating in and out of our minds, because that is what minds do.

We may think that these feelings are facts, because we have felt them for so long. Whatever we think repeatedly begins to appear as fact. But that is not the truth.

Simply observing without judgment, allows us to move through whatever is there. You’ve heard the saying: “What you resist, persists.”

If we don’t resist, there is no need for anything to persist.

By simply observing your emotions, you will uncover patterns in you that are keeping you stuck…..in pain, in destructive relationships, in self-sabotaging situations.

Once we become aware and observe our thoughts and emotions, the resistance disappears and this creates a space for life to show up differently.

It has the power to change relationships, to ourselves and others. It changes what we attract into our lives.

It heals our life!

You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings. They are part of you, but not the entirety of you. Learn to be aware of them rather than become them.
Like all things in life, we must practice this. You can’t wait til you need it and expect yourself to be proficient.

We had to crawl before we walked, we had to practice holding that spoon and aim for our mouth, we didn’t learn that new language overnight.

Practice by giving yourself time throughout the day to sit quietly, without distractions, to notice, to observe, to be…….like a scientist, without judgment.

Practice, when you are in conversation with others, when you are working on something, when you are watching TV…..

Just observing, not judging.

If you forget, it’s ok. Do it next time…..

Be kind and gentle with yourself…….and don’t forget to breathe.

To learn more, come to our classes https://www.encinitas-counseling.com/events-and-classes/

or contact me https://christina@christinadevalencia.com

Marriage communication • emotional faithfulness • faithfulness • forgiveness • honesty • humility • love • patience • self-awareness • selflessness • time • transparency • trust March 8, 2015 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Marriage

Marriage is one of the most difficult relationships to get right. At least a healthy, successful one. Just look at the divorce rate in this country. It’s sad!

There is so much advice out there and I’ve read a lot of it. Some of the tips and suggestions offered seem almost ridiculous.

Yet, isn’t it what we all long for? A relationship in which we can be ourselves, where we feel seen, accepted and can experience true intimacy.

It requires a number of moving parts. People disagree on what they are, but the extraordinary and strong relationships I know have the same ingredients in common.

Here is a summary of essential tips for a happy and rewarding marriage. Joshua Becker is a contributor. You can find his blog at https://www.becomingminimalist.com

1. Love/Commitment. Love is the decision to be committed to another person. It is a daily decision to honor that commitment. It is far more than a fleeting emotion as portrayed on television, the big screen, and romance novels. Feelings come and go, I am sure you have noticed that by now. A true decision to be committed lasts forever – and that is what defines true love. It is a decision to be committed through the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. When things are going well, commitment is easy. But true love is displayed by remaining committed even through the trials of life.

2. Self-awareness. Be willing to look at yourself with some honesty. Watch your behavior. Are you always doing the talking, never listening? Are you really as laid back as you like to think? Do you tell little white lies, but insist that you are a sincere and truthful person? Do you try to please others too much, but feel resentful? You get the idea. If others repeatedly tell you a certain something, maybe it’s time to look if it’s true. It is important to assess yourself on a consistent basis in order to live with integrity in your life and your marriage. What you do, say, feel and think are in congruence. This eliminates conflict.

3. Sexual and Emotional Faithfulness. Faithfulness in marriage includes more than just our bodies. It also includes our eyes, mind, heart, and soul. When we devote our minds to sexual fantasies about another person, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse. When we offer moments of emotional intimacies to another, we sacrifice faithfulness to our spouse. It is not ok to complain about your spouse to the opposite sex. Devote yourself to your spouse. Sexual faithfulness requires self-discipline and an awareness of the consequences. Refuse to put anything in front of your eyes, body, or heart that would compromise your faithfulness, emotional or physical.

4. Humility. We all have weaknesses and relationships always reveal these faults quicker than anything else on earth. An essential building block of a healthy marriage is the ability to admit that you are not perfect, that you will make mistakes, and that you will need forgiveness. Holding an attitude of superiority or constantly criticizing will bring about resentment and will prevent your relationship from moving forward. If you struggle in this area, grab a pencil and quickly write down three things that your partner does better than you – that simple exercise should help you stay humble. Repeat as often as necessary.

5. Patience/Forgiveness. Because no one is perfect (see #3), patience and forgiveness will always be required in a marriage relationship. Successful marriage partners learn to show unending patience and forgiveness to their partner. They humbly admit their own faults and do not expect perfection from their partner. They do not bring up past errors in an effort to hold their partner hostage. And they do not seek to make amends or get revenge when mistakes occur. If you are holding onto a past hurt from your partner, forgive him or her. It will set your heart and relationship free. Sometimes forgiveness takes time, but be willing, because ultimately it keeps you from becoming bitter.

6. Time. Relationships don’t work without time investment. Never have, never will. Every successful relationship requires intentional, quality time together. And quality time rarely happens when quantity time is absent. The relationship with your spouse should be the most intimate and deep relationship you have. Therefore, it is going to require more time than any other relationship. If possible, set aside time each day for each other. Spend time thinking of new and different ways to have fun together. Getting stuck in a rut is deadly.

7. Honesty and Trust. Honesty and trust become the foundation for everything healthy in a marriage. But unlike most of the other essentials on this list, trust takes time. You can become selfless, committed, or patient in a moment, but trust always takes time. Trust is only built after weeks, months, and years of being who you say you are and doing what you say you’ll do. It is about having integrity. It takes time, so start now… and if you need to rebuild trust in your relationship, you’ll need to work even harder.

8. Communication. Successful marriage partners communicate as much as possible. They discuss kids’ schedules, grocery lists, and utility bills. But they don’t stop there. They also communicate hopes, dreams, fears, and anxieties. They don’t just discuss the changes that are taking place in the kid’s life, they also discuss the changes that are taking place in their own hearts and souls. This essential key cannot be overlooked because honest, forthright communication becomes the foundation for so many other things on this list: commitment, patience, and trust… just to name a few.

9. Transparency. This is a part of communication; honest, authentic, soul-baring communication. You have to be willing to share your deepest, sometimes darkest self. There is no holding back or being secretive about certain things. Without this willingness to be open, to be transparent, there can be no true intimacy.

10. Selflessness. Although it will never show up on any survey, more marriages are broken up by selfishness than any other reason. Surveys blame it on finances, lack of commitment, infidelity, or incompatibility, but the root cause for most of these reasons is selfishness. A selfish person is committed only to himself or herself, shows little patience, and never learns how to be a successful spouse. Give your hopes, dreams, and life to your partner. And begin to live life together.

Marriage can be an amazing, nurturing and deeply intimate journey with another human being. Marriage can feed your soul, your heart and your mind. Marriage can be hot and exciting. Marriage can be anything the two of you want to create…….

Marriage requires that you stay present! It is demanding, but the rewards are worth it. Spending your life with another person can bring experiences and emotions that are beyond words.