Tag: mindfulness

Inspiration Mindfulness Plans life • life's duality • mindfulness • mindfulness meditation • mindfulness practice • mindfulness trainig • mindfulness workshop • new ideas • plans don't turn out June 17, 2016 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Sailing to Cuba

We had a plan and as it often happens….plans don’t turn out the way you want.

Life happens, while you are making other plans, right!

Our plan was to sail to Cuba.

We have a large Catamaran sailboat, fully stocked, and after many months of preparation we were finally ready to go.

Very soon, a series of unplanned things happened along the way. Our engines broke, not just once, but 3 times. The plumbing started leaking into the boat and it had to be completely re-plumbed. We had to wait for better weather…..sometimes for weeks.

I really do enjoy being on a boat, cooking nice meals, making it comfy and appreciating the sun. Being out on calm seas is the most relaxing thing I know, because you literally can’t do anything else. I love the steady rocking of the boat and being on the water has a soothing effect on my psyche.

What I can’t handle is being at the constant mercy of the weather, wind and water. Everything is perpetually damp or wet. I am petrified when the waves are more than 3 feet and pound the boat, or you lose control of your direction, because the wind has other plans for you.

So when we hit bad weather, I learned that I’m not a sailor!

Everything in life has a good side and a bad, positive and negative. It’s life, the duality. How else would we appreciate the good, if we didn’t experience the bad?

The bad in this case is that we aren’t going to Cuba on a sailboat. Our lovingly planned trip isn’t happening. We aren’t sailing to Cuba. It’s a disappointment.

The good side is………….

When you are on the water, you meet lots of people of all ages and backgrounds. Boating people are generally very friendly, hospitable and generous. I think the transient nature of boating makes us more open, we stick together and support each other.

We help each other tie up as a new boat approaches the dock at a marina, provide a lending hand if there is a problem and easily sit together over dinner and a glass of wine.

In the course of this, you learn quite a bit about people. You learn their stories, their struggles and their triumphs. You learn about their lives.

What I learned was the almost infinite variety of life-styles that exist on this planet.

As good citizens of western culture, we grow up participating in the norm. We get educated, work at an accepted job, live in an acceptable home and generally follow the cultural “dream”.

We are conditioned to believe that is the right and only way to live. We don’t have another yardstick by which to measure. We believe that this is life and we strive toward it, often at the expense of ourselves….getting stressed out and worn out in the process.

It’s a case of “you don’t know what you don’t know”.

I didn’t know there was another way for a long time. I grew up in a middle class household. My father grew his business into success and my mother stayed home. All the people around us had similar lives. Discussions revolved around our expectations for this life and what we kids would become when we grew up.

We didn’t know people who went against the norm, who lived on boats, climbed mountains, traveled on a shoestring or chose to live with very few possessions, because they recognized what was important to them. Someone in the course of their lives gave them permission to do it differently or they had the calling and courage within to go against the cultural pattern.

Being an observer and a voracious reader, I learned that life can be done differently. It’s easy to see when we look at the lives of other cultures. Within those cultures we find the rebellious, the brave, the different. If we aren’t exposed to other options, we can learn by trial and error, as I did on our sailing trip.

It was an adventure explored. The good far outweighed the bad.

My point is: This is your life! No one else can live it for you, you don’t need approval from anyone. It takes courage to contemplate what you might like outside of the box that was set up for you. Being constantly stressed out with what you are doing might be a good indicator to re-examine things.

Socrates said: “The unexamined life isn’t worth living”

It’s about feeling happy. When you feel good, you have more to give. A depleted soul has nothing to give.

Someone in one of my workshops mentioned feeling guilty when she did things for herself.

This is not about selfishness. Everything worth having needs to be nurtured. Especially the Self! Whatever we don’t nurture withers away.

Ask yourself….how do you feel when you constantly neglect yourself and only look to please others? You neglect your body, mind and soul. Your body will get sick, because you don’t care for it properly. Your mind will be exhausted and frazzled by others’ demands, because you don’t know your limits. Your soul will feel no peace, because you are dismissing the very essence of yourself.

Whatever your philosophy, there are a few immutable truths in life:

What we regret most at the end of our lives are the things we didn’t do.
The degree of understanding and compassion you have for others is in direct relationship to how you treat yourself.
Quality friendships and relationships keep us happier and healthier in the long run.

So, go out and do what lights you up, excites you and invigorates you. Do it with others who are supportive of your life-style and show your appreciation and support in return.

In case you want to sail to Cuba, here is some information: https://cubajournal.co/how-to-legally-travel-to-cuba-from-the-u-s-on-your-yacht/

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Acceptance Forgiveness Mindfulness compassion • doing our best • forgiveness • love • mindfulness • mindfulness meditation • mindfulness practice • mindfulness trainig • mindfulness workshop • non-judgment May 6, 2016 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Are We Doing The Best We Can?

Years ago, while studying the Course in Miracles, I read that we shall not judge one another, because everyone is always doing their best in any given moment.

That stayed with me…….but I didn’t really believe it.

Looking around, it appeared that people should know better than to do hurtful things to one another, ignore each other, or make stupid choices.

Don’t we all feel that someone has wronged us?

⦁ That our parents did stupid things, hurtful things that we would never do?

⦁ We judge others’ lifestyles, because they look weird to us.

⦁ We see the husband cheating on the wife who believes she is doing her best to make the marriage work.

⦁ The man who chooses not to forgive the father who used to berate and beat him, but now desperately wants a relationship.

⦁ The friend who declares eternal love, but keeps “forgetting” dates to get together, doesn’t call, goes out with other friends and doesn’t invite you.

⦁ Or, the person in the super-market who won’t smile back, just stares or looks away.

⦁ The people that are so irresponsible, it’s hard to understand how they make it through life.

⦁ The person who lies about everything.

Observing all this, it seemed clear to me that it was simply not true that everyone is doing their best.

Some things are just obviously right or wrong and we should know this.

To be truthful, I just didn’t get it…. for years. I continually judged, because it seemed so straightforward to me that some people’s choices were just plain selfish, stupid and mean.

It took some painful events to wake me up (isn’t it always that way!), to humble me and my opinions.

To see it differently.

It took going deeper. It took realizing that we are sacred beings, each of us with a purpose that only God knows.

But it helps to understand. Our mind likes organization and order. So I began taking a closer look at what might prompt some of the behavior that looks so hurtful.

⦁ What causes a person to act selfish?

We are complex beings, but we have learned that there are certain things children need to become healthy, well functioning adults. If they are deprived of those basic needs, parts of their psyche become misaligned or crippled.

Babies need touch. That’s a fact. Some years ago this tragedy was all over the media about some orphanages in Eastern Europe where babies and toddlers were left neglected in their cribs without human touch. They simply died.
Our body and psyche need to be connected, acknowledged and appreciated. We need to be bound to others, be nurtured, understood and loved. Human beings are social animals.

When our parents are incapable of nurturing our body, mind and spirit, parts of us wither. Typically then it becomes difficult to develop compassion, integrity, understanding, generosity, kindness and connection as we grow into adulthood.

We first have to receive, before we can give to others.

If we do not receive compassion, we can’t give it. If we do not experience kindness and connection, we can’t give it.

Worse .…..depending on the degree of isolation, we might become narcissistic. That is the epitome of self-centeredness, wherein someone is so lacking that they are incapable of forming a bond or giving selflessly.

So, selfishness, I found, exists on a continuum.

Our ability to give depends largely on what we received in childhood.

⦁ Why are some people always critical?

One of my clients was perpetually criticized and reprimanded as a child. The parents didn’t know any better, because that is how they were raised.
They had good intentions, they believed that this would make him an aware person, who would know the difference between right and wrong.

This young man found himself constantly being critical of others, either aloud or silently. Particularly of his girlfriend. He was letting her know that he knew better and she needed to listen to him. He was certain he was doing the right thing. Eventually she left him. This scenario repeated a few more times until he realized he needed some help.

He felt so insignificant as a child, that by degrading someone else as an adult, he made himself feel more significant.

It’s painful for everyone involved, because the person who is hurt by the behavior suffers and the person who perpetrates recognizes on some level that something isn’t right. They may even feel imprisoned in their emotional state.

⦁ What about all the other strange behaviors?

Sometimes we have a deep fear that we will not get what we need from others. That we don’t really deserve anything good.
We develop coping skills, we will find a way to survive.

That may include drinking, drugs, sex, overeating, anger, avoidance, denial, too much activity…..keeping busy so we don’t have to be present. We get quite creative with the possibilities.

Carol grew up in an uncertain, frightening environment. As a little girl, she watched her bi-polar schizophrenic mother being taken away in a straight jacket, never to return. Her father dealt with his despair by drinking, screaming and physically abusing his children; waking them up in the middle of the night to have them pull weeds naked. Carol’s older brother left home to join the army as early as he could. Then her younger brother ran away. This left her unprotected, afraid and alone. She often had to sleep outside and didn’t know when the next meal would come.

This little girl only knew chaos, there was nothing safe and solid to hold onto.

As an adult, Carol can only focus on one thing at a time, she is easily overwhelmed. She is full of anxiety and needs to verbally outline everything she will be doing for the next few days. She has lived in the same home for most of her life and is very obsessive on how she arranges her things and her life.

One of her coping skills is denial.

Denial of her deteriorating marriage, her advanced age, the state of her deteriorating home, that time is not standing still…..

This is how she creates a perceived sense of safety.

She is doing the best she can.

⦁ Why do people lie?

As children we don’t want to get in trouble, we want to be loved and accepted. Yet at times there are things we want to do that we know we shouldn’t do.

So we learn to say….it wasn’t me, I didn’t do that.

If many things are forbidden, we become very creative. We develop a very sensitive radar to what is expected from us.
We learn that it isn’t safe to be truthful, because we won’t be accepted or worse, we will be punished.

This can become a habit, a pattern, as we grow into adulthood.

We all want to be liked. If we suspect that our behavior might upset someone, we just make up a little lie….or a big one, so we can look good to others and continue to be accepted.

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Once we step through the door of understanding, the door widens and……………

…when we begin to see others with compassion, with the intention to love, it becomes clear that everyone is always doing the best they can.

Even if we don’t know their history!

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In life the happy, joyful, peaceful times carry us forward and give us strength. The painful times help us grow…. if we are open to learning.

It’s how we all make it through life. When we know better, we do better.

Looking at it this way then, we are ALL always doing the best we can in any given moment.

Check out another perspective: https://kripalu.org/resources/what-if-were-all-doing-best-we-can

Happiness Mindfulness acceptance • awareness • Happiness • inner peace • life changing • mindfulness • mindfulness meditation • mindfulness practice • mindfulness trainig • mindfulness workshop • observing • peace • self-awareness • watching April 8, 2016 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

The One Thing That Will Change Your Life

How do we change? Some of you have heard me talk about this before, but it’s so powerful, it’s good to hear it again.

Most of the time we learn through pain. I am no different.

There it was again, this sense of feeling trapped and helpless in my situation. Someone who means a lot to me had done something that rocked my world…..not in a good way.

This triggered old thoughts and behaviors, like “no one really loves me and I am a bad person”. I went into a downward spiral, feeling overwhelmingly alone and betrayed.

Before I knew it, I was in a dark pit, taking me to a scary place…… making me feel like this was the theme of my life.

Yet, some small part of me recognized that I had felt out of control like this too many times in my life!

There had to be a better way!

This led me on a journey where I discovered that there is an easier way to change old patterns than practicing psychotherapy. Don’t get me wrong, I believe it is invaluable to explore the origins of our thoughts and behaviors.

But it takes a long time…..and doesn’t always work.

I know……. I had spent my life exploring and analyzing and, still here I was, falling right back into my old patterns. It happened in a flash, like someone else was pulling all the strings.

You may recognize this. It’s not just something that only takes hold of me. I’ve seen this with clients, in classes and retreats.

A trigger sets off an avalanche of emotions and behaviors. We are feeling trapped in ourselves.

We don’t always recognize the fork in the road. I didn’t at the time.

Sometimes it’s an article, a workshop, a retreat or a person who has something powerful to share, but you aren’t quite ready to hear it all. That’s how it started for me, years ago.

However, a seed was planted. When the soil was ready, specifically, when I was open enough, when I had had enough pain, this seed began to sprout. From there it was almost magical. Information, people and situations showed up that guided me along and showed me the way to change my life.

Here is what I discovered: Being willing to stop, breathe and observe, changed my life.

It may sound simple, but it isn’t necessarily easy. It requires practice.

It’s a skill we have to develop, a muscle we have to grow.

We think we are our thoughts, we believe we are our feelings. Yet they are only a part of us, not the entirety. We are so much more!

You are not your thoughts

We think, all day long, as long as we are awake. That is what our minds do…..one thought after another. Random thoughts, habitual thoughts, deep thoughts, shallow thoughts. Our mind analyzes, plans, remembers, likes, judges, compares, blames…… thoughts perpetually rising and falling.

We identify with those thoughts. If something happens, our mind jumps to certain thoughts and runs with those, like I’m no good, for example. You know that you can create a whole painful scenario from that one thought.

Yet, when you stop and watch your thoughts, you become aware that they are impermanent.

When we are willing to stop, breathe and recognize that we are thinking, when we step back and watch ourselves thinking, we can take back our power!

It requires a willingness to observe without judgment, like a scientist.

It is similar to lying in the grass watching the clouds or sitting by a river, just observing what flows downstream.

You recognize this is not you!! These thoughts are not a fact. You are so much more than these thoughts. They cannot take your equilibrium, your peace, your happiness.

Because, you see, just by being willing to observe your thoughts, you acknowledge their existence. Whenever we are willing to acknowledge something, it loses its urgency.

You are not your emotions

Emotions arise from our thoughts.

We may not recognize when a certain feeling originated, what thought began the wild ride downhill. But if we are willing to step back and observe ourselves feeling a disturbing emotion, we create the space in which we can recognize that we are not this emotion.

There is no need to fight or resist what is there. Just breathe and observe.

This is not you! It is simply an emotion that arose from thoughts, which are floating in and out of our minds, because that is what minds do.

We may think that these feelings are facts, because we have felt them for so long. Whatever we think repeatedly begins to appear as fact. But that is not the truth.

Simply observing without judgment, allows us to move through whatever is there. You’ve heard the saying: “What you resist, persists.”

If we don’t resist, there is no need for anything to persist.

By simply observing your emotions, you will uncover patterns in you that are keeping you stuck…..in pain, in destructive relationships, in self-sabotaging situations.

Once we become aware and observe our thoughts and emotions, the resistance disappears and this creates a space for life to show up differently.

It has the power to change relationships, to ourselves and others. It changes what we attract into our lives.

It heals our life!

You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings. They are part of you, but not the entirety of you. Learn to be aware of them rather than become them.
Like all things in life, we must practice this. You can’t wait til you need it and expect yourself to be proficient.

We had to crawl before we walked, we had to practice holding that spoon and aim for our mouth, we didn’t learn that new language overnight.

Practice by giving yourself time throughout the day to sit quietly, without distractions, to notice, to observe, to be…….like a scientist, without judgment.

Practice, when you are in conversation with others, when you are working on something, when you are watching TV…..

Just observing, not judging.

If you forget, it’s ok. Do it next time…..

Be kind and gentle with yourself…….and don’t forget to breathe.

To learn more, come to our classes https://www.encinitas-counseling.com/events-and-classes/

or contact me https://christina@christinadevalencia.com

Healing Mindfulness being mindful • being present • gentle • mindfulness • mindfulness meditation • mindfulness practice • mindfulness trainig • mindfulness workshop • non-judgmental • noticing March 5, 2016 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Why all this Mindfulness talk…..now?

It seems that the Mindfulness conversation is everywhere.

Why now, I wonder? After all, Jon Kabat Zinn PhD., a microbiologist, started his research in 1979. He initiated a weekly practice with patients from the Massachusetts Medical Center, which he called Stress Reduction. He quickly discovered how powerful and effective mindfulness practice is. Yet it seems to have taken almost 30 years to become well known.

Could it be that we have to run faster and faster to keep up with life? We are constantly connected and have to respond. There is very little down time, if any. People have to eat fast, walk fast, talk fast and even sleep fast.

Stress and Anxiety have increased. Young people, children even, feel anxious and stressed. If, in addition, you also grew up with parents who generated anxiety in you…..well, then you are just a mess.

So, I think, we have reached a place of desperation. Desperate for some calm, some peace, some downtime, a way to really feel our lives. Only we have no clue how to go about it anymore.

Hence, Mindfulness has reached momentum. I think that is fantastic!

This simple, yet powerful practice re-balances us, physically and emotionally. We re-learn to focus on the present moment, which is all there ever is. Instead of worrying about the future and ruminating on past events, we begin to simply notice without judgment….gently, lovingly.

Mindfulness …..although I wish I could come up with another name……. is by far the most powerful, miraculous process to heal physical and psychological issues I have ever experienced. There is no shortage of things I have tried personally and in my practice, therefore I feel that I have some authority to comment on this.

Everyday people have had amazing, almost mysterious success. A client of mine with serious arthritis found relief when he started practicing mindfulness meditation. The simple act of being present in the body, listening, observing non-judgmentally can bring to the surface what the body needs to heal itself.

It’s possible, with mindfulness, to shift decade old belief patterns that keep us stuck and fill us with despair. Frequent feelings of hopelessness can bring us to the brink of suicide. Often, in my experience, some of the most gregarious acting people shock us with the decision that they cannot continue with life.

But!!! – our brains are not hardwired, the neural connections are in reality very plastic! Jon Kabat-Zinn calls it neuroplasticity. Therefore, the brain can actually learn to decrease the messages that send despair and hopelessness and increase messages of calm and joy.

Mindfulness affects the structure and neural patterns present in the brain.

I was convinced that psychotherapy was the only way to learn to change. I believed we had to learn the origin of our thoughts and beliefs, talk about them and learn to change them. It is long and laborious, but understanding the origins of our dysfunction seemed the only way out for a long time.

Yet…….mindfulness is the alternative!

It is necessary to recognize our patterns and habits, but when we are willing to pay attention, they will rise to the surface.

Here are just a few research cases, if you are a scientist at heart and need evidence for its effectiveness.

A 2012 TEDxCambridge talk in which Dr. Sara Lazar, Neuroscientist of Harvard Medical School describes her research on meditation and increased cortical thickness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8rRzTtP7Tc&list=PL_XZQmAKJPU9t1pNGe6ESfFxF2RLI_uYn

In 2003, for example, scientists from the University of Wisconsin-Madison examined a group that included alumni of Jon Kabat-Zinn’s eight-week course. They found that when they received flu shots, the meditators’ immune systems produced more antibodies in response to the vaccine than did the non-meditators.

In a 1998 University of Massachusetts study, patients with psoriasis who meditated while receiving ultraviolet treatments for their skin healed four times faster than the control group—regardless of whether they had any previous meditation training.

Another study (2007) reported by Greg Flaxman and Lisa Flook, Ph.D., showed better stress regulation with Mindfulness. They measured a faster decrease in levels of the stress hormone cortisol after a stressful laboratory task, among Chinese undergraduates after 5 days of meditation training at 20 minutes a day. These students also reported less anxiety, depression, and anger compared to a group of students that received relaxation training.

A University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill study (2004) demonstrated a correlation between mindfulness practice in couples and an enhanced relationship. The couples reported improved closeness, acceptance of one another, autonomy, and general relationship satisfaction.

So, wherever you are struggling in life, there is hope…..and it isn’t some complex, difficult process. It’s called Mindfulness Practice.

Click this link to set an appointment https://www.encinitas-counseling.com/appointments/ or check out upcoming classes https://www.encinitas-counseling.com/events-and-classes/

Mindfulness Old Soul compassion • forgiving • good listener • lone wolf • mindfulness • mindfulness meditation • mindfulness practice • mindfulness training • mindfulness workshop • old soul • outsider • seeker • truth • truth seeker January 12, 2016 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Are you an old soul?

I used to wonder why some people seem complacent about life as it is and others seem to question everything and know there is more than our five senses tell us. I still sit and watch others wherever I go, rarely finding anyone who makes eye-contact or expresses curiosity about others or their surroundings.

Over the course of many years I began to realize that we humans live on many different levels of awareness, hence the vastly different behaviors, opinions and ideas. I compare it to the stages we go through as we age. From infancy to becoming a teenager, to adulthood, middle age and beyond. We have completely different perspectives at each stage, because we gather experiences as we grow.

What is it that makes someone search for more, long for more in life?

These old souls are born with a desire to seek the truth.

From the moment they draw their first breath they have a longing to know more, be more, to understand truth. Instead of being wide-eyed and simplistic, these children are perceptive and complex. Instead of being fresh and uncomplicated, they are unusual and always asking questions that are out of the norm. They are usually outsiders. Often scolded for their deep, sometimes invasive questions. They seem wise beyond their years.

They like to read and often gravitate towards spending time with older people, like teachers, adult friends, grandparents. They are psychologically on the same level.

Old souls. They are the sages and mystics of the world.

They see the world clearly, honestly and don’t like to participate in small talk. As adults their views and opinions can be interpreted as pessimistic and cold rather than recognizing the old soul as awake, aware and realistic.

They often are the “black sheep” in their family or the “lone wolves” of society. Other people find it difficult to understand their behavior or the way they feel and experience the world.

For that reason they are often loners. They go their own way, often on the fringes of society. They care little for casual encounters and small talk, such as coworkers and neighbors. In toxic family relationships these old souls will release the family member who displays a stuck, destructive pattern.

Old souls sometimes struggle, feeling isolated and alien-like in the company of others who cannot relate or resonate with their experiences. They are almost otherworldly and can feel out of sync, often believing as though they exist in an alternative dimension.

These seekers prefer to look for the deeper reason of someone’s actions so they can understand instead of condemn. They are not manipulative. They are accepting, open minded and empathetic. They are great listeners, rarely the life of the party. They seem to be forgiving beyond reason and repeatedly offer compassion even if they have been hurt in the process.

Learning and understanding truth is one of the things that excites the old soul the most.

Old souls recognize each other intuitively. They have an openness not typically found in strangers. They are always observing. They view the world differently than the majority. Their mind is constantly searching for answers and theorizing, analyzing and philosophizing.

They often seem as though they are born before their time as their ideologies, beliefs, inventions, artistic expression, thoughts and unconventional lifestyles can all make them feel as though they are out of touch with their own generation. Old souls are often misunderstood, misinterpreted and misplaced in society as they have unorthodox characters which can seem eccentric, perplexing and bewildering to most.

Old souls see the truth in what is happening in the world. They draw strength and comfort from the earth and clearly see the parallels in life and nature. The old soul has a deeper and more natural connection with the world around them. They have great respect for mother nature and seek things that improve life for all, because they recognize the we need a healthy planet, body, mind and soul to survive as a species.

Are you an old soul? Feeling alone out there? Join us here, share your experiences…..

Healing Mindfulness being present • forgiveness • less stress • mindfulness • mindfulness meditation • mindfulness practice • mindfulness training • mindfulness workshop • new beginnings December 29, 2015 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

New Beginnings

I wish you a wonderful Christmas Season and a Happy New Year.

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As we enter yet another New Year, we will continue to see many changes on our planet and in our personal evolution. I’m sure many of you wonder, “what is the point of this? Is it really just about rushing around, getting stuff, doing stuff? Are we getting anywhere?” I am more and more aware of the importance of my relationships with the people I care about.

Yet our hectic lifestyles can make it difficult to be present, to be in the moment, to deal successfully with issues to which we need to pay attention. Learning to be mindful, releasing painful thoughts and memories are essential skills for dealing with the ever increasing demands on our time.

For those reasons, my team and I have been working on a way to bring some peace and healing to you beginning April 1^st. See more https://www.encinitas-counseling.com/peru-retreat/

Healings in Peru

We have created a powerful workshop where you will learn to create inner peace, experience the sacred places of Peru and learn to become a bridge for others. In this setting of ancient wisdom, we will come home to our truest selves. Mindfulness and forgiveness are an intentional discipline of being focused and present, which keeps us from drifting into fear, self-doubt, pain and constant stress. It frees us and we finally come to know inner peace. With that sense of inner peace, you’ll find yourself happier and free of the impact that negative energy of all kinds has on your life and health. A bonus is that you’ll find that others are much more attracted to you.

Come join us. To learn more https://www.encinitas-counseling.com/peru-retreat/

https://be-a-bridge.com/

Forgiveness Mindfulness emotions • guilt • Healing • hope • mindfulness • mindfulness meditation • mindfulness practice • mindfulness training • mindfulness workshop • neuropathways • punishment • shame December 2, 2015 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

The Silent Punisher

This is the third in a series of newsletters looking at how our feelings affect our lives and bodies. It is powerful knowledge that can help eliminate pain in all areas of your life. If you are struggling with something, send me an email or call.

The Silent Punisher

We’ve been talking about the effects of feelings and emotions on our health. An emotion is a message from your brain, sent to your body as a sensation. It starts as a thought. Whenever emotions are denied, belittled or dismissed, they end up running the show. We’ve been focusing on how they affect our bodies.

Guilt and shame are natural, healthy emotions. Imagine, if we didn’t feel guilty over hurtful or destructive things we’ve done. Or if we didn’t feel shame when we are caught sneaking something that isn’t ours. Our lives, our world would be on destructive autopilot.

Shame says: I am bad

Guilt says: I did something bad

Everything has to be in moderation, everything has to have balance. Ideally, we feel the emotion, make amends and move on. However, sometimes the scales tip a little too far on the shame and guilt side and the cells in out bodies take it on. This occurs when we feel guilty over things that happened years ago. When we hold on and let them define us, when we don’t release those punishing feelings.

We all have things that haunt us for years, often a lifetime.

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging.” Brene’ Brown PhD https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEBjNv5M784

A client of mine recalls how he was caught playing with matches as a young boy. He was maybe 5 or 6, a normal curious little boy. When his mom caught him, she was naturally upset, screamed at him and lectured him. Then, with magic marker she wrote on his t-shirt FIREBUG and had him stand outside in public. To this day, the memory of the shame causes him to shrink, feel guilty and defensive. Over the years this has added to the numerous other things he feels ashamed of and has caused his body to stiffen in defense of possible attacks. When walking around he also balls his hands into fists.

Another married client ended up in the hospital with a severe cut on his hand and near fatal blood-poisoning. He is an excellent carpenter, always cautious and meticulous. However, he had been carrying on an affair over an extended period of time and the guilt was eating him up. When he was repairing a piece of furniture in his home, he nearly cut his thumb off. His subconscious helped him punish himself.

Survivors of childhood abuse often blame themselves for what has happened, many have been feeling guilty and punishing themselves their whole lives for the mistakes of the adults that they trusted.

Shame and guilt cause a constriction in our bodies. Like the ripple a pebble causes when thrown in a lake, so do consistent shameful and guilty thoughts affect our bodies and finally our health.

These habitual thoughts, over time, are emotions. They create a neuro-pathway in our nervous system and affect everything from new thoughts, to self-esteem to physical well-being.

These emotions thrive in silence, secrecy and judgment.

This happens whether you think about it or not.

We reap what we sow. Literally, and in many more ways than we typically think.

It’s the law of cause and effect. It operates in all areas of our lives.

If you’ve been reading the previous articles on how our feelings affect our lives, then you already know what you have to do if you want to heal yourself from excessive guilt and shame.

“Health is inner peace.” Course in Miracles. There can be no peace when we allow shame and guilt to run the show.

“Every thought you have makes up some segment of the world you see. It is with your thoughts then, that we must work, if your perception of the world is to be changed.” Course in Miracles.

Here is what I say: Love yourself enough, pretend if you have to. You are a child of God. In your meditation be willing to let those old self-punishing thoughts go. Lovingly! Always with love. Never in anger or hatred!

Shine a light on it. It cannot continue to thrive when you acknowledge it.

There is nothing you did that cannot be forgiven.

If you can’t sit still long enough, do something that causes some stillness in you. Go for a walk in nature, run, dance….anything that works for you. In that inner space of silence, go to your bags of stored up guilt and shame, open them up, let the light shine in and be willing to accept the love God has for you. Be kind to yourself.

Willingness is powerful! Doors open, miracles happen when you are willing.

If you are struggling with understanding something in your life or need help, send me an email or call. You don’t have to go it alone.

christina@christinadevalencia.com

804-306-7287

Acceptance Forgiveness Mindfulness acceptance • Counseling • forgiveness • mindfulness • mindfulness meditation • mindfulness practice • mindfulness training • mindfulness workshop • northcountycounseling • resentment • self-forgiveness • self-punishment November 8, 2015 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Healing Happens When You Forgive.

This is the second in a series of articles looking at how our feelings affect our lives and bodies. It is powerful knowledge that can help eliminate pain in all areas of your life. If you are struggling with something, send me an email or call.

Healing happens when you forgive

This is a more in depth look at a component of forgiveness, that we often don’t acknowledge.

Forgiveness is essential in every major religion on our planet.

The final words uttered by Christ during his suffering reinforce the importance of forgiveness: “”Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34).

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else but you are the one who gets burned” — The Buddha

“Who takes vengeance or bears a grudge acts like one who, having cut one hand while handling a knife, avenges himself by stabbing the other hand.” — Jerusalem Talmud, Nedarim 9.4

What is forgiveness:

“Forgiveness is the act of consciously deciding to let go of resentment or vengeance toward another entity who has harmed you in some way (whether or not they’re actually deserving of that forgiveness)”, according to the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley.

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting or condoning a behavior. It is simply a desire on your part to let go of the burden of carrying the anger, rage and vengeful thoughts…..and giving them to a higher power.

It sounds like a paradox. Forgive, not forget? How do you do that?

I think letting go (forgiving) happens more easily, the more tired you are of carrying the heaviness of those negative feelings. It can be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but conversely, it is also one of the most freeing and miraculous things that can ever happen to you.

The moment you become willing, a space opens up for miracles to occur. Relationships are healed, physical healing occurs and suddenly personal peace and joy is in your life.

I spent years working on forgiving my father. I wanted a loving relationship with him. What we had was too painful for me. I wanted to be able to tell him how I experienced my childhood, but he was not open to that. So I had to do the work by myself.

Today, the memories of my childhood in his house are still there, but the pain, the emotional charge, the hurt and suffering, are gone.

Forgiving a parent is difficult. Our whole outlook on life was developed because of what and how we experienced life with them. I remember the violence I experienced when I look at my father’s hands, but today I just feel love and want to hold them. With the grace of God, I see beyond my father’s unloving behavior, understand the origin of it and see the love behind it.

How I forgave:

There are many different ways you can tackle forgiveness toward others.

Letter writing is one way: You put all your grievances on paper and then burn that letter, or bury it.

There are many forgiveness meditations that walk you through the layers.

Sometimes you have the opportunity to discuss our pain with the offending person.

When I started, I had no idea how to go about it.

Somehow, I prayed my way through it, asking for guidance to find a way to let go, I stepped outside of my wounded self and learned to view my dad as the child he once was. Looking at his childhood, his parents, his upbringing and seeing a little boy who had to develop these coping skills that left him so emotionally crippled made me want to cry.

I imagined how life must have felt to that little boy. He grew up in pre- World War II in Germany during the rise of Hitler. Not only is he a product of the German culture: strict, efficient, judgmental, quiet, orderly, not known for being warm and caring. He also had an incredibly uneducated, abusive father and an although kind, but submissive mother. I can almost see that frightened little boy, growing up without any hugs or praise. Never a gentle word or any encouragement.

There were 4 kids in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment in “a child is to be seen, not heard” world. There were plenty of brutal beatings and degrading, critical comments. At the age of 10, he was inducted into the Hitler Youth. That meant living in a camp with other boys and severe, exacting caretakers for 4 years. I have no idea what kind of abuse he endured there, because he refuses to talk about it.

I don’t believe my dad could allow himself to be loving and soft. He had to develop some hard, twisted ways to cope with that cruel childhood of his. Love was a superfluous emotion.

I was deep in my adulthood, when I realized that he shows his love by feeding you. If he takes you out to eat, or cooks for you, you know he cares.

During the process of forgiving my dad, I sometimes thought I was finished, all done, nothing more to forgive. Yet, when I least expected it, another layer of stuff came up. But I was determined and it was worth it.

We have good conversations now, because on some level he feels that I no longer consider him guilty. We both learned to become softer with each other, trust more and share more intimately. On the other end, my brother, has not been able to let go of his anger toward his father. He still talks about many painful occasions as if they happened yesterday. Their relationship is strained and uncomfortable.

The path less taken:

Typically, when you think about forgiveness, you think of others who have wronged you.

Yet, the most profound act of forgiveness is self-forgiveness. I think few of us dare to look at the depth of pain we have caused. I don’t know why it is so difficult to forgive ourselves? We are unbelievably hard on ourselves.

It is so deep and heavy that you’d rather not acknowledge it. You might break under the realization that you have caused harm and suffering for others. At times, you may glimpse some of the damage you created. This kind pain can bring you to your knees with self-hatred.

No wonder you don’t want to look at it.

These are the parts that you hide from yourself, from others, that you cover up with a facade, a mask, with lots of activity to keep from having to deal with it.

As a matter of fact, most of us are so good at this cover up that we aren’t even aware of the complex, deeply layered protective mask we have created. I am including myself in this. We are masters at it, the greatest actors of all: Keeping busy, acting defensive, covering up! We can spend our whole lives like that.

When this awareness comes up, it is not a time to do busy work, turn on the TV, get a drink or do anything evasive to avoid it again.

When the pain comes up, it is time to get still and pay attention. Listen to it. What is it telling you? What do you need to look at?

Don’t be afraid! Your fears are just thoughts. They can’t harm you.

This kind of pain wreaks havoc with your body, your mind, your relationships, your daily life.

My father is not able to look at himself. His pain must be enormous, because he has punished himself with such severe physical pain and lack of relationships that it breaks my heart. His body barely functions anymore, he spends more time in hospitals than home and feels alone and unloved.

Because, you see, when you can forgive yourself, there is only understanding and compassion left for others. There is only kindness and gentleness left………and self-esteem!

We see in others what is in us. How can you see goodness out there if it isn’t in you first? The people in our lives are a reflection of ourselves.

“Where there is forgiveness, there God resides — Kabir, page 137

In this self-forgiveness miracles happen. Our DNA literally changes, because our insides are no longer twisted up and our cells can work properly again. Healing begins!

There are many who have been healed physically and emotionally through forgiveness. I am incredibly blessed that some of these exceptional human beings are my friends. Exceptional, because they tackled the work of forgiveness. Check out Dr. Vernon Sylvest’s miraculous healing on h ttp://www.vmsylvestmd.com/

What I have learned:

We all need teachers and guidance at times. One of my teachers is an amazing woman, who has been healed of cancer twice, and joy and happiness literally ooze from her being, even across distance. Lauren Lane Powell https://www.harmoniesofhealing.com.

We met when I was writing “How to Create Passion Spirit Adventure” https://amzn.to/2svA4iW and interviewing people who love their work. She subsequently walked through the valley of the shadow of death twice.

Lauren has been teaching me that the pain and anger is lodged in our bodies and cannot be released simply by thinking it away.

She taught me a practice that puts awareness into the body and allows release at the cellular level. This requires energy and sometimes I don’t have it. But there is always more than one way to do forgiveness work. What’s important is doing the practice, NOT pushing the difficult, painful feelings away!

Pain, Sorrow, Fear, Sadness are our travel companions in this lifetime. I don’t know anyone who can escape them. Why not make friends with them, acknowledge them? When you shine a light into the darkness, the power of the fear diminishes. It lessens the intensity of the negative feelings and allows the positive to return more quickly.

Let me know if I can help or if you would like to learn a powerful forgiveness practice.

God bless you!

Mind/Body Mindfulness awareness • broken arm • broken wrist • love • mind body connection • mindfulness • mindfulness meditation • mindfulness practice • mindfulness training • mindfulness workshop • pain • sacred • Self-improvement • Self-love October 13, 2015 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

The Unexpected Break – Mind/Body Science

This is the first in a series of newsletters looking at how our feelings affect our lives and bodies. It is powerful knowledge that can help eliminate pain in all areas of your life. If you are struggling with something, send me an email or call.

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The majority (maybe all, but who can prove it) of our physical ailments, diseases or accidents originate in our minds.

I’m a believer in the body/mind concept: The health of our minds and our bodies are inextricably connected to the transformation of our spirit.

In other words, much of what plays out in our bodies is generated by subtle thoughts that we may not even be aware of. We are all conditioned, beginning in childhood, not to pay attention to our feelings and thoughts. These thoughts, which generate feelings, play over and over in our minds until they take form.

An easy to understand example of the mind/body connection is our fight or flight response, which begins with a thought that we are in danger. This activates a hormone and our bodies respond with an increased heart rate and a quicker, more shallow breath.

Another one we are all familiar with is stress. Consistent stress creates tension in our bodies, lowers our immune system and leads to a variety of dis-eases, including heart dis-ease, headaches, etc.

I just broke my right wrist and I have never had a broken bone in my life.

Something wanted my attention!

I am right-handed ……and yes, I’m writing this with my left hand.

But the really crazy thing is that it has been a deeply spiritual, sacred experience for me, because I almost immediately realized why this happened.

Ironically, I also wanted to learn to become more proficient with my left hand, because the left side of our bodies accesses the right brain and our feminine side. Maintaining harmony between the right and the left side, the masculine and feminine, is the key to wholeness.

It happened after it had been raining for days and I wanted to rescue my water-logged plants on the back deck. I opened the french doors and stepped out in my bare feet. My foot slipped on the wet wood and the rest was a blur. That pain has to be an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10. All I could do was lay there in the rain; neither my brain nor any part of my body functioned for several minutes.

After I used my good side to get up and walk back inside to the couch, crying in frustration and pain, I had the awareness that I didn’t really understand what my daughter went through when she broke her arm years ago. Realizing how we don’t know what anyone goes through unless we’ve walked a mile in their shoes, I cried for the suffering of others.

Then I gave in to fear.

I don’t know what it was all about. Fear of aging, laying there helpless, of the unknown, the state of the world……it just spiraled out of control.

I knew I had to call someone, but the person I wanted to call was my girl-friend in another state. It didn’t make sense.

In retrospect I know that I was being guided!!

My friend was out walking on the beach with a Body, Mind, Spirit Counselor, Dale Bach https://dalebach.com/. I don’t even know why she picked up the phone, except that is how everything falls into place when it’s meant to be. My friend quickly put Dale on the phone, who went into healing mode and reminded me that I am always connected a higher source, our creator, God. She instructed me to breathe in that light connection and affirm my ability to heal.

Recognizing that truth, I became instantly calm.

In my pain, I had forgotten what I know as a teacher and counselor:

All our healing, inner and outer, take place as we connect to a higher state in which we forgive and choose love (but that is a topic for another time).

In the emergency room and after wards, while on strong pain medication, I kept having these lucid thoughts, which showed up almost like a movie……..what this “accident” meant and what I was to do with it.

I knew what was going on within me prior to the break, but I chose not to pay attention.

“When we are on automatic pilot, trying to get someplace else all the time without being attentive to where we already are, we can leave a wake of disaster behind us in terms of our own health and well-being, because we’re not listening to the body. We’re not paying attention to its messages; we’re not even in our bodies much of the time,” explains Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD.

For weeks, I had been working constantly for someone else at something I didn’t want to do. Every day, sometimes 12 hours a day. I felt exhausted and unhappy about it, but didn’t know how to extricate myself from it. Gradually, I had taken on another person’s problem.

I knew I needed to step away, but I kept talking myself out of doing the right thing. Partly, I think, I didn’t want to be thought of badly and I felt needed.

Frequently, we all feel conflicted within: We pray for answers, we know what we should do, but choose not to, because it’s difficult. I’m no different.

Breaking my wrist took care of that. Now I can’t do that particular work anymore.

I am, instead, taking responsibility for myself again. A friend of mine calls it “keeping her side of the street clean”. Sometimes helping is not in the other person’s best interest.

If you call it the universe, or God, or my own mind that engineered this situation…..it was unavoidable under the circumstances.

What this means, however, is very clear.

We are never alone.
We are always shown our path!
We are never victims.
We only have to choose to become present, notice the signs and follow the guidance.

I’m so willing to pay attention now and not continue to help manage someone else’s life.

Our purpose is to first learn to love ourselves. Self-Love is not arrogance or entitlement (that’s insecurity). Love thy neighbor AS yourself, Mark 12:31. It is only in being kind instead of critical, patient instead of harsh, loving instead of condemning to our own flawed selves that we can learn to extend that to others. When we finally learn to listen to what we are being guided to do, we can stop interfering in others’ lives. We each have our own journey.

I feel blessed, almost giddy, with my new awareness. It’s no longer just an intellectual knowing. Next time, I plan to learn without hurting myself.

If you are struggling with seeing the purpose of something in your life, send me an email or call. We don’t have to go it alone.

804-306-7287

Gratitude Mindfulness appreciation • gratefulness • insight • mindfulness • mindfulness meditation • mindfulness practice • mindfulness training • mindfulness workshop • Self-improvement • thankfulness August 2, 2015 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Gratitude revisited

“If the only prayer you say in your life is ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.” – Meister Eckhart

As I live my life and experience things I hadn’t planned on or even been able to imagine happening in my life, I am revisiting gratitude. It’s a popular subject, I’ve written about it previously. So it seems that there is nothing left to say. But, as with all things, we can always go deeper, there are always more layers to uncover.

I’m not interested in preaching, that’s not why I am writing this article. Because – you either choose to become grateful and appreciate the people and things in your life or you don’t. It’s your path and I accept your choice.

This is about sharing my journey. Maybe it resonates with you.

Lately, as the layers are coming off the proverbial onion, I am sometimes simply overwhelmed with gratitude. Bowled over, breathless, moved to the core of my soul.

As I look at my child or the man I love, I literally can feel ecstatic with gratitude for their presence in my life, for the gift of seeing their faces.

Sharing a cup of coffee with someone I love can be so beautiful that it takes my breath away. Smelling freshly cut grass, tasting that first bite of chocolate or sip of apple-juice.

Recognizing that the wheels of my car are safely taking me to my destination. Watching birds sing to each other. Getting a phone call or text from a friend…..

Sometimes in quiet moments, I become aware of the gift of my body….the way it works, how many years we have traveled this earth together, the wide range of feelings I experience through it, the beauty my eyes allow me to see, the foods my mouth has tasted, the many tasks my hands perform…….it’s nothing less than a miracle. I now appreciate this body, after years of bestowing upon it regular, steady doses of belittling, criticizing, hostility, hatred and all manner of ugliness.

Those intense feelings of thankfulness lately have caused me to re-evaluate gratitude.

This is what I’ve noticed:

I’m more capable at this time in my life to appreciate things I don’t even like. I can see beauty where before it was all ugliness. I can take more things in stride (that’s never been an easy thing in my life) and know it’ll be ok.

And I’ve realized that even if you haven’t sought gratitude in your life, life will sometimes bring you to it, because you recognize that things could be worse or you could lose what you treasure.

So this is what I have come to understand: as we age, we either begin to appreciate and feel thankful or we become bitter.

You can make that choice!

All of us need constant reminders to keep us on track. We are like little children who have to be told over and over again to close the door or brush our teeth. Only after many years of being told and doing it, does it become a natural behavior for us.

As adults it seems to sometimes take us forever to even remember something that we sincerely want to implement in our lives. Not to mention doing it.

This is what I am offering: A reminder!

But I also want to remind you to be kind to yourself!!! Don’t force yourself to feel appreciative for something that momentarily (or permanently) leaves you feeling frustrated or annoyed. Instead, notice the thing or person that you can be grateful for and focus on that.

Don’t beat yourself up!!! We are so good at that in varying degrees. The first commandment in gratitude law is GIVE THANKS FOR YOUR UNIQUE SELF!!

This is also one of the Ten Commandments: Love your neighbor, AS YOURSELF! Giving thanks for yourself is loving yourself.

You are reading this, therefore you are someone who is already making an effort to live a happier, healthier and more peaceful life. You are on the right path! Now be gentle to yourself and appreciate the little (at times even big) steps you take in your journey on this planet.

In gratitude for your presence in my life!