Tag: happy relationship

Values happy relationship • healthy relationship • successful relationship • values July 23, 2024 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

An Essential Quality in Happy Relationships. Part Two

Values

I didn’t even know what that was in my younger years. The majority of people I talk to never even give them a thought. They’re “um, what do you mean?”

Have you spent any time looking at your values? Has anyone explained what are they? I think that’s the problem, no one talks about them as we’re growing up.

What are Values?

Values are the things that you believe are important in the way you live and work.

Values are your beliefs of right and wrong.

Values are an integral part of an individual’s personality. They can be defined as personal goals that are linked to our emotions. Therefore, they significantly influence what makes you happy or discontent in life.

We have many values and some of these can change over the course of our lives. Our values are influenced by the people we surround ourselves with and the culture we live in.

Some of the core values include integrity, security, loyalty, discipline, accountability, consistency, self-determination, generosity, kindness and many more.

Values are the rules by which we live our lives. We have a hierarchy of these values, which means on your list of values, some will be more important than others.

How to Define Your Values

Defining your values can be tricky. You may have wishful thoughts about how you want to be perceived, which causes you to behave in ways that don’t feel good to you.

Or the culture you’ve grown up in insists on certain beliefs and behaviors that cause you discomfort.

It can be helpful to ask yourself some questions that support you in how to define your true beliefs.

Thinking about your life, what is the most important aspect?
What do you admire most in life?
What disgusts you?
What sort of news or stories depress you?
What inspires you?
Who do you admire?
What about them is admirable?
What makes you happy?
Which of your actions and behaviors feel wrong to you?
What do you consider unacceptable behavior in a partner?
How do you feel when someone asks for help?

These questions are just a few that will help provide answers that reveal your personal values. Once you figure some of them out, you can ask your partner about their values.

There is no right or wrong answer. This is for the purpose of learning about yourself, so you can feel good about the life you’re living.

Why Similar Values Matter in Relationships

Do you lack discipline and your partner values self-control? Do you value personal hygiene and your partner only has an on and off relationship with cleanliness?

Are you motivated by money, whereas your partner trusts that things will work themselves out with finances?

If, for example, you value security and your partner loves taking risks and fly by the seat of his or her pants, you will encounter difficulties.

A True Story (without a happy ending)

Jared met Valerie on a hike on the Appalachian trail. Valerie was taking a little break from her demanding University schedule, where she was studying law. Jared was on a month-long hike, after he dropped out of university.

They really connected on that hike and stayed in touch while Valerie finished her education and studied for the bar. Jared decided to do some bartending and freelance writing. Things were great while they were dating. Valerie appreciated Jared’s relaxed attitude about life, while she pursued a career in law.

It didn’t take long after they were married that trouble began. Valerie needed to feel secure, and money was a vehicle with which to achieve that. Jared needed to feel free and never thought much about money. He thought that she was being ridiculous, because he knew that things would always work out. Valerie’s childhood was volatile and there was never quite enough for anything, so she couldn’t understand Jared’s attitude. She felt that he was being irresponsible and didn’t care about her needs.

Of course, they both became aware of all their other differences, which added up and added up until neither one remembered why they were even together anymore.

Jared was messy, while Valerie valued neatness and cleanliness. Jared didn’t mind telling people exactly what he thought, while Valerie didn’t want to ruffle feathers.

You get the point, they never knew to discuss or even look at their values and, in the end, it ruined their relationship.

The Moral of the Story

For a successful, calm and happy relationship, it’s important that you and your partner have similar core values.

If you value honesty and your partner likes to fudge the truth and make excuses on a consistent basis, you will lose respect over time. It doesn’t matter how much you try to ignore it or make excuses for him or her. Somewhere within you, this feeling will grow and it will make you notice other things until it seems that this person has no good qualities left.

Talk about your values with your partner, preferably before you make a commitment to each other. Watch if their words match their actions. A person will show you who they are if you are willing to see.

Too many differences in values will eventually make you feel critical toward each other. Criticism will lead to defensiveness, which leads to contempt. See www.gottman.com Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

You will either end up as this older couple who has nothing left to say to each other and suffers silently, or you will end up leaving the relationship and potentially getting into another relationship with the same problems.

Your values are what define you, whether you acknowledge them or not. It is worth taking the time to figure them out. There are plenty of online tools to help.

For a more personal approach, reach out to a counselor before you make a commitment for life to a person who may be defined by a whole different set of values than you.

More on values and what they are. www.betterup.com/blog/personal-values-examples

Pay to have your values assessed. www.findyourvalues.com

To read more about the five essential qualities: https://medium.com/@neuckh/couples-in-happy-relationships-do-these-five-simple-things-0ae7b7cc6c27

Energy essential quality • happy relationship • healthy relationship • successful relationship July 14, 2024 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

An Essential Quality Required for a Happy Relationship. Part One

Energy

This quality is a significant component in a satisfying relationship. That isn’t to say that you will absolutely fail without it, but one partner will most likely find him or herself frustrated, lonely and losing respect over time, which leads to contempt.

This essential quality is a person’s energy level.

Of course, we all have days in which we have more or less energy, but this article is about a person’s overall energy level, which is an intrinsic quality.

What exactly is that?

We humans exist on a continuum of energy levels. It goes from one extreme to the other with everything in between.

On one end of the continuum are people we label as an A type personality. We describe them as someone who has high ambition, urgency and is very competitive. They are driven, can be workaholics and are very goal oriented.

This personality also has trouble relaxing. They put a lot of pressure on themselves, often multitask and are anxious. They are very focused and can be impatient and even hostile when things don’t go according to their plan.

They are very time oriented and aggressive when intent on accomplishing tasks, which can show up as rudeness. They are often described as defensive when confronted with certain realities.

On the other end of the continuum are people described as type B personalities. They are calmer, generally have lower stress levels and typically work at a steady, slower pace. Their sense of time is likely poor, but they display patience, encourage teamwork, and show more emotional stability.

This personality type leans more toward daydreaming. They typically have a laissez faire attitude and may be forgetful. They are prone to procrastination and distractions. They are naturally more flexible.

You may be one of those fortunate human beings who is more balanced. Some days you’re driven but you know how to relax. You see the bigger picture but know that time is of the essence. You can stay calm, yet intense.

Then there are variations on those energy levels.

We all know people who are frequently up to something. They are curious and adventurous. They are creative. They are inspiring and fun to be around.
And then, of course, those people who are downers. Nothing is good enough, life is hard, and they often have nothing to contribute, because why even try anything new and different.

How do I know what I am?

What is essential, is that you know who you are!! Where you belong.

Even if you never share this introspection with anyone, you must assess who you are with brutal honesty.

The couples I have come to know that have a more successful, satisfying relationship have similar energy levels.

They paid attention when they were dating and made this quality an absolute must.

What will it do?

Being in a relationship with someone with opposite energy levels will most likely lead to frequent upset and arguments. Over time this same old disagreement will create a lack of communication, which creates distance, which creates loneliness, a lack of respect and finally contempt.

Contempt is One of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse coined by Dr. John Gottman. See https://www.gottman.com

It’s just like a snowball rolling down the mountain, eventually creating an avalanche that buries the relationship.

John and Sarah

One of those couples is John and Sarah. They’ve been together for over 20 years.

John is a very successful entrepreneur. He’s driven, smart and opinionated. He has lots of friends and people who look up to him.

Sarah is an easy-going, pretty, homebody. She doesn’t have to work and likes it that way. She dotes on her kids and loves to sleep in. She is a kind and loving person.

John adored Sarah initially. Over time, however, as his business grew and more and more responsibilities fell on him, he became frustrated with Sarah’s lack of ambition toward anything. Her forgetfulness, her procrastination and inability to even keep the house clean.

He began to lecture her. Quickly, his lectures became demeaning and disrespectful, calling her lazy, unwilling to learn and dismissing any of her opinions.

Sarah, who thought she had found her successful prince charming, quickly began to lose any self-respect she may have had. She internally withdrew from John and took refuge in their children.

There were many arguments over the years, often in front of the kids. It became a predictable disagreement, a hamster wheel.

Now, with the kids nearly grown, they find themselves disillusioned and lonely. They feel trapped.

John can’t see a way out, because he feels a strong sense of responsibility toward his children and the large property he loves. Sarah, because she can’t imagine anything different, plus she could not possibly support herself at this stage.

This is one of the five essential qualities for a healthy, happy relationship. https://medium.com/@neuckh/couples-in-happy-relationships-do-these-five-simple-things-0ae7b7cc6c27

Stay tuned for Part Two of what makes for a great relationship. https://encinitas-counseling.com/an-essential-quality-in-happy-relationships/