Tag: Happiness

Pay Atrention to What you Feel

Pay Attention To The Way You Feel

The way you are treated is more important than how much you like them (although that will come).

We’ve all experienced feeling small around certain people. Not good enough. Flawed. Insecure. Those people may even have been our parents. Or someone at work, people in our social circle, maybe our sibling.

We feel constricted, not freely flowing from our hearts. Somewhat nervous, wanting to do the “right” thing, say the “right” thing. We may not even notice what’s happening until later, we’re so caught up in wanting to measure up, make the right impression. Wanting to be liked, desperate to be loved.

Sometimes, depending on the person we’re with, we don’t know what to say. Our minds go blank. We say something stupid or talk too much.

Nothing about those interactions or relationships bring out the best in us. They don’t allow us to grow. We only defend ourselves, we hide, we pretend, we play small or brag too much.

This isn’t about surrounding ourselves with people who kiss our ass or are pretentious. It isn’t about playing nice, not being straight with each other. We all have things we need to learn, pay attention to and change.

This is deeper. It’s on a soul level. It’s the recognition of someone speaking your language, of someone from your tribe. It’s about being genuine and honest with each other. It’s about wanting to know the other person deeply. Without judgment. Without criticism.

It’s about growing. Becoming the best version of ourselves.

Our lives move so quickly. Everything passes in a heartbeat. We don’t have time to waste time with people who make us feel wrong or small. Nothing good comes from that.

However, it’s unrealistic to think we can avoid them altogether. We all have to find a way to live together. We all have to deal with uncomfortable situations, painful interactions and hurtful people.

But we have to choose carefully those with whom we want to spend our time. We must be very discerning about the people we invite into our lives!

None of this is easy. Most of us have deep insecurities and often feel that we need to accept what we are given.

My early life was full of criticism. I felt like nothing about me was good enough. My parents were sure to let me know every day. I now know they only wanted good things for me and didn’t know how to keep me safe and make me feel loved. I have nothing but compassion for them now. Their childhood was worse than mine and they did their best.

But it left me totally insecure and confused about life. I felt like everyone knew more, and even worse, knew better than me. I looked out through my eyes, like a window, and felt disconnected, unworthy and alone. I had no trust in myself, my feelings and instincts. I was full of conflicts and chaos. I didn’t feel like I deserved good treatment. I actually had no idea that there were people who could make me feel good or even just sort of ok.

I chose people who made me feel as small, confused, and chaotic as my family. It felt familiar. I was used to it and I attracted more of it into my life.

I thought that this was how life was supposed to be. My nervous system knew the drill. I was accustomed to it.

This is why we humans stay in abusive relationships: our nervous system recognizes the feelings, the patterns. It activates our adrenaline, we feel alive. Miserable and in pain, but alive.

Here’s the amazing, miraculous thing though: our soul or higher self knows better. Our spirit deeply longs for recognition. It knows this isn’t how life should be.

If we’re willing to be still, even just sometimes, if we’re willing to listen, we can connect to that deep inner knowing.

You won’t connect to it if you keep filling your life with busyness, drugs, alcohol, sex or whatever you dream up.

Be still and learn to trust. Be willing to grow as a human being.

With time this knowing grows. You become stronger and you begin to choose people who bring goodness into your life. That is when miracles show up. That is when life becomes good in the most sacred, deep, fulfilling, and crazy way.

This works for all of us. You only need to be willing. And never give up!

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The One Thing That Will Change Your Life

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How do we change? Some of you have heard me talk about this before, but it’s so powerful, it’s good to hear it again.

Most of the time we learn through pain. I am no different.

There it was again, this sense of feeling trapped and helpless in my situation. Someone who means a lot to me had done something that rocked my world…..not in a good way.

This triggered old thoughts and behaviors, like “no one really loves me and I am a bad person”. I went into a downward spiral, feeling overwhelmingly alone and betrayed.

Before I knew it, I was in a dark pit, taking me to a scary place…… making me feel like this was the theme of my life.

Yet, some small part of me recognized that I had felt out of control like this too many times in my life!

There had to be a better way!

This led me on a journey where I discovered that there is an easier way to change old patterns than practicing psychotherapy. Don’t get me wrong, I believe it is invaluable to explore the origins of our thoughts and behaviors.

But it takes a long time…..and doesn’t always work.

I know……. I had spent my life exploring and analyzing and, still here I was, falling right back into my old patterns. It happened in a flash, like someone else was pulling all the strings.

You may recognize this. It’s not just something that only takes hold of me. I’ve seen this with clients, in classes and retreats.

A trigger sets off an avalanche of emotions and behaviors. We are feeling trapped in ourselves.

We don’t always recognize the fork in the road. I didn’t at the time.

Sometimes it’s an article, a workshop, a retreat or a person who has something powerful to share, but you aren’t quite ready to hear it all. That’s how it started for me, years ago.

However, a seed was planted. When the soil was ready, specifically, when I was open enough, when I had had enough pain, this seed began to sprout. From there it was almost magical. Information, people and situations showed up that guided me along and showed me the way to change my life.

Here is what I discovered: Being willing to stop, breathe and observe, changed my life.

It may sound simple, but it isn’t necessarily easy. It requires practice.

It’s a skill we have to develop, a muscle we have to grow.

We think we are our thoughts, we believe we are our feelings. Yet they are only a part of us, not the entirety. We are so much more!

  • You are not your thoughts

We think, all day long, as long as we are awake. That is what our minds do…..one thought after another. Random thoughts, habitual thoughts, deep thoughts, shallow thoughts. Our mind analyzes, plans, remembers, likes, judges, compares, blames…… thoughts perpetually rising and falling.

We identify with those thoughts. If something happens, our mind jumps to certain thoughts and runs with those, like I’m no good, for example. You know that you can create a whole painful scenario from that one thought.

Yet, when you stop and watch your thoughts, you become aware that they are impermanent.

When we are willing to stop, breathe and recognize that we are thinking, when we step back and watch ourselves thinking, we can take back our power!

It requires a willingness to observe without judgment, like a scientist.

It is similar to lying in the grass watching the clouds or sitting by a river, just observing what flows downstream.

You recognize this is not you!! These thoughts are not a fact. You are so much more than these thoughts. They cannot take your equilibrium, your peace, your happiness.

Because, you see, just by being willing to observe your thoughts, you acknowledge their existence. Whenever we are willing to acknowledge something, it loses its urgency.

  • You are not your emotions

Emotions arise from our thoughts.

We may not recognize when a certain feeling originated, what thought began the wild ride downhill. But if we are willing to step back and observe ourselves feeling a disturbing emotion, we create the space in which we can recognize that we are not this emotion.

There is no need to fight or resist what is there. Just breathe and observe.

This is not you! It is simply an emotion that arose from thoughts, which are floating in and out of our minds, because that is what minds do.

We may think that these feelings are facts, because we have felt them for so long. Whatever we think repeatedly begins to appear as fact. But that is not the truth.

Simply observing without judgment, allows us to move through whatever is there. You’ve heard the saying: “What you resist, persists.”

If we don’t resist, there is no need for anything to persist.

By simply observing your emotions, you will uncover patterns in you that are keeping you stuck…..in pain, in destructive relationships, in self-sabotaging situations.

Once we become aware and observe our thoughts and emotions, the resistance disappears and this creates a space for life to show up differently.

It has the power to change relationships, to ourselves and others. It changes what we attract into our lives.

It heals our life!

  • You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings. They are part of you, but not the entirety of you. Learn to be aware of them rather than become them.
  • Like all things in life, we must practice this. You can’t wait til you need it and expect yourself to be proficient.

 We had to crawl before we walked, we had to practice holding that spoon and aim for our mouth, we didn’t learn that new language overnight.

Practice by giving yourself time throughout the day to sit quietly, without distractions, to notice, to observe, to be…….like a scientist, without judgment.

Practice, when you are in conversation with others, when you are working on something, when you are watching TV…..

Just observing, not judging.

If you forget, it’s ok. Do it next time…..

Be kind and gentle with yourself…….and don’t forget to breathe.

To learn more, come to our classes https://www.encinitas-counseling.com/events-and-classes/

or contact me https://christina@christinadevalencia.com

 

 

Oh That Elusive HAPPINESS

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The Art of Happiness. If it doesn’t come naturally, we have to help it along.

Sometimes when nothing seems to go right, Stop!!………Stop all the frantic activity and go DO something you like.

I’m sure you have been told that when you are constantly busy, running around taking care of stuff, nothing changes, nothing new can come in. Your mind is not at peace, your body is stressed out, your emotions are on edge and everywhere you turn presents you with another roadblock.

A glass of wine is good, but maybe not in the morning.

Meditation will definitely get you on a better track, but it seems at times it’s nearly impossible to just sit down and get quiet.

Your mind is racing, your adrenaline is high and the last thing you can imagine is sitting still. That’s why it’s sometimes more productive to do something you really enjoy to get back to a happier place, to find your happiness.

I love to do physical stuff, like painting walls or furniture, digging in the garden, building a little table, fixing something, creating wood-art, practicing yoga or taking a walk on the beach.

You don’t have a moment to stop and spend time “goofing off”, you say? Really? Will you have the time to get sick, have a mental break-down or at the very least get into disagreements with your loved ones? We really all do have time to stop every once in a while. 

We have to prioritize. What is more important in this moment: What we are doing or our sanity?

Do something you enjoy!

Your kids can miss a soccer game once in a while. If you don’t make it to the grocery store after work, you won’t starve. Your spouse can take care of that task without you. If you don’t have a spouse, leave it for another day (it works for Latinos….manana). Ask someone for help. People really do want to help, as long as you don’t abuse it.

I have a couple of rental homes and one of them had a serious roof-leak. It literally rains in. The tenant had to put some pots and pans out to catch the drips. This stresses me out to the max. The thought of the tenant being upset, the damage the water is causing, the expense……on and on. In the meantime, I can’t get a hold of the roofer. It won’t stop raining (I’m in NC right now). But, I suddenly realize, I have absolutely no control over this at the moment. I already left a message for the roofer. I apologized to the tenant. “Money comes easily and frequently” (my favorite mantra).

It was out of my hands.

Still tense, I located my paintbrush, pulled out that new can of paint and started painting my bathroom.

My mind calmed down in minutes, a space opened up for better thoughts, my breathing regulated…..all without me having to work hard at it. That’s the best part! I am tired of working so hard at everything. Aren’t you?

Then I remembered three things that always shift the energy and open the door for happiness:

1. Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself!

Self-pity is the very worst kind of emotion. It kinda sneaks in there and before you know it you are all about it. It destroys everything around itself, and leaves you feeling powerless.

Stop being the victim, stop feeling sorry for yourself – and be happy.

2. Be Grateful

Life is so fast-paced that we rarely recognize and acknowledge the wonder of it all.

Think of all the things you’re grateful for right now: family, health, home, your puppy, your red shoes, the grass, the sunshine, everything. Spend time being grateful each day – and be happy.

3. Accept What Is

We frequently resist what is. Just say “Yes!” more to all of life’s experiences. Don’t fight the river’s current. Say Yes!” more to emotions, situations, social invitations, adventures – and be happy.

Before I knew it I was smiling. Happiness…………it’s a process, not a destination.

To Your Happiness, with Love

Wherever you go, there you are…….NOT

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Wherever you go, there you are, right? Sounds reasonable. After all, you are going, therefore you will find yourself there. Wherever that is.

Going to the supermarket? There you are. Going to Africa? There you are.

What if I said…. not so fast. Maybe you won’t find all of yourself there. Or you’ll find parts of yourself that you didn’t know existed.

People like to say that everything will be the same regardless of location. At least many people in my life have said that. I’ve been told that happiness is within and if you can’t be happy here, you won’t be happy anywhere.

Well, I am disputing that!

I haven’t attained enlightenment yet, so I am still working on finding the best way to maneuver through this life. And yes, I do know that happiness is ultimately within, but there are definitely some exterior circumstances affecting it.

This is what I have found.

Each location carries its own energy. It has its own frequency.

It is something we cannot see, but we have an awareness of it.

You have experienced vibrational energy when you think of times you entered a room full of people. Entering that room may have felt welcoming to you, because it was filled with happy people and positivity. It may have felt uptight, stressful and filled with nervous energy. It may have felt like there was a lot of anger and disappointment.

Whatever it was, you noticed. It affected you.

I use that example because each place on our planet carries its own type of energy based on local history, beliefs, way of life and the climate. Yes, the weather matters.

Compared to the US, Europeans, for example, have a completely different outlook on life, based on their history. That continent has experienced so much change and upheaval. It is like a really old person, who has had a long eventful life. That society has gone through being ruled by Kings and Emperors, Tyrants and modern day Politicians. It has gone through the Dark Ages, the Industrial Revolution, many, many wars, including WWI and WWII, famine, the Depression…….just to name a few. This past has affected the population, it is in their genes, their DNA. A child in Europe is born with that burden of his or her ancestors’ knowledge.

The people in Europe have a long past; hundreds, thousands of years. Going back to the Stone Age and further. It is all condensed and packed into that small continent. You can feel that.

Northern Europeans are generally more somber and intense. Customarily, they smile less and accept the difficulties of life more readily. They have their rules, manners and etiquette. They have their own type of humor, which is typically more sarcastic.

Southern Europeans have that history as well, but they have a warmer climate. Think of Italy, Spain and Greece for example. The energy there is distinctly different from the North. There is more laughter, dancing and an easier way of life layered on top of that somber, age old density of disappointment, pain and suffering.

The climate, as you see, plays a huge part in our lives.

When it is cold, we bundle up, huddle within ourselves and tensely focus on our outside chores to get them done quickly. We stick with what we know and don’t venture outside of that realm generally. The cold doesn’t invite an open, languid, leisurely way of life. Warmth and sunshine on the other hand, create a free, expansive environment. We like being outside, taking our time and being relaxed.

Each continent has its prevailing energy. Each country within that continent develops its own belief system and culture, which gives off its own variation of that energy. You can break that down again into states and counties even.

So, let’s say, you are from Minnesota and I am from Florida. Would you agree that we have a different outlook on life and therefore have our own distinctive spirit? If we each felt our very best in our home states, it’s reasonable to say that if you went to Florida, you might feel off and not totally yourself.

If your nature is open, sociable and active, you will probably feel really miserable in a place where people are closed, suspicious and keep to themselves.

I’ve talked to many people who took the risk to change their circumstances. People who didn’t do well where they were planted. They assumed that this was just the way it was. They had no idea that a change in location could change their lives.

One young man was a terrible student. He barely graduated High School, got into drugs and didn’t look forward to much. His days consisted of odd jobs and hanging out with like-minded buddies. Going to college was not a consideration. However, a few things occurred that caused him to explore a college in another state. He packed his beat up old jeep with a few belongings and moved. Today he is contemplating getting his PhD, is a spiritual, productive, active health nut and has tons of successful friends. He loves where he lives and knows this would not have happened in his place of origin.

An older Australian couple occasionally vacationed on an exotic island, while they were raising their kids. Life was a struggle, filled with somber, soul deadening jobs and chores. There was no lightness and even less laughter. As soon as the kids graduated and went out on their own, they left everything behind to move to that island. I met them surrounded by good friends in a room filled with laughter, anticipation and happiness. This couple had no idea how to make it financially. They sold their belongings and simply trusted that it would work out. It did!

A very successful American woman in her new location didn’t always experience life that way. She used to be married, was raising the kids while he worked and couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. All this while living in Europe. It should have been a dream come true. It wasn’t for her. She found herself at the end of her rope, packed up the kids and moved to the east coast of the US, which suited her so much better and she found her calling.

You probably know someone who took the chance to go somewhere else and it turned out to be the best move they made, because the energy in that new location suited their personality better.

This country has many different energies. The east is built on history, it is older, more set in its ways. It takes a while for a newcomer to be accepted. People typically keep to themselves and stick with the tried and true.

The west was settled by pioneers. Their very nature was curious, adventuresome, open, searching for a better life. It is still the place where most new thoughts and things originate; things that first appear unusual and weird are tried. Odd experiments are accepted and people connect more easily, because being open to new ways of doing things was essential in the pioneer days.

There isn’t really anything new in this universe, but that is another topic.

The point is: Location makes a difference! There are places on this planet that bring out our optimal personality. Places that actually make you more content and possibly happier. Your heart sings. Your life feels richer, more stimulating or peaceful, more joyful, which in turn makes you a more contributing, productive, loving member of society.

So don’t let anyone tell you, wherever you go, there you are. Explore for yourself! You might find you are not at all who you thought you were.

Gratitude

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Gratitude turns what you have into enough. When you are in a grateful state of mind, you’ll feel more positive, life is better and you’ll start attracting more positive people and circumstances. Thankfulness is an attitude that you can practice and develop. The whole experience of gratitude—is really about forcing ourselves to pay attention to the good things in life, things we’d otherwise take for granted. Start a journal about feeling grateful. I don’t think it’s necessary or even all that good to write every single day. There is the tendency to get numb to all the good things in our lives. It is similar to the numbness we develop when watching too much violence and suffering.

Start by feeling grateful for being alive. Give thanks for your body, even if you don’t like everything about it. Imagine not having this body, imagine not being able to touch, see, feel and hear the life around you.  Now look at your hands! Appreciate all they do and feel. Feel your skin as you rub that lotion in, notice as you touch that fuzzy blanket, your furry pet, that round stone from the beach. Hug someone in your family or a friend and really feel them. Do that with your eyes, your ears, your sense of taste and smell………..

So pay attention to your senses! What are you seeing? Notice the things you normally take for granted, like the colors of the flowers or the glistening of the snow. Notice the details in the landscape you see every day. Look at it with new eyes.

Listen, especially when it is quiet. Can you hear the wind rustling the leaves in the tree? Do you hear that dog barking? If he annoys you, imagine not being able to hear anything? That joy of hearing the birds in the morning. People laughing, a song you love, the sound of your kids’ voices……….notice the sounds of life all around you.

Enjoy the taste of your food. We usually gobble our meals without really considering what we are eating or drinking. Savor your food, anything can become a feast if you slow down and appreciate the flavors.

Smell that fresh coffee in the morning. The air right after it rained. The food, the flowers, that perfume you love, the smell of a newborn.

If it all gets to be too much, you are overwhelmed and no amount of goodwill is going to make a difference: get away! Leave the house, the job, the kids, maybe the country. Take some time off. Explore a different way of life. It’s ok, we are all just doing the best we can.

Avoid the trap of being grateful for something that is better than what other people have. Instead, compare whatever you are grateful for and imagine how you would feel if you didn’t have it at all. What if you wouldn’t have that family, those friends, or even your problems. What if you had Steven Hawkins’ problems, or President Obama’s or even your neighbor’s or friend’s problems? Practice gratitude and appreciation for everything in your life: people, abilities, experiences, our planet, plants…..the list is endless.

Usually our best memories are made when we are playful, light-hearted. Realize beauty in every moment, and in everyday activities. Make time for those moments. Be spontaneous. The most playful people are the ones who are most “tuned in” to the present. They’re so fascinated by the world at the moment that they’re always finding ways to engage it! For me one of the best ways to have fun and be completely present is boogie-boarding. It is pure joy to feel the water against my skin as I glide along on the wave.

People who have a strong sense of gratitude and count their blessings are generally happier and healthier. It is tough to feel thankful when things aren’t going right and you are stressed to the max. For that reason it is absolutely essential that you take a deep breath, get in the moment and find something to appreciate. You may tell me that I don’t understand because your deadline is in 5 minutes or the house is on fire……. but I maintain as long as you are physically safe – stop, breathe and find something good about your life right now. Like the old saying goes, “The past is history, the future is a mystery, and the present is a present”.

I love this prayer from Unity Church:

The light of God surrounds me;
The love of God enfolds me;
The power of God protects me;
The presence of God watches over me.
Wherever I am, God is and all is well.

It helps me to become present, to know that in this very moment I have all I need and everything is well. The world will not end because I am late for my appointment or I forgot to send that email. Choose Gratitude!

  • Become present. Know that in this moment all is well.
  • Relax! You can’t appreciate anything when you are stressed
  • Pay attention to your senses.
  • Every once in a while get away from it all.
  • Be playful!

To become a grateful goddess contact me.

Living an Inspired Life

 

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Do you ache for more excitement, authenticity and meaning? Do you long for a way to break out of this crappy rut you have created for yourself? You want more from life, but don’t have a clue where to start?

How do you become inspired to live this passionate and enthusiastic life? A life that makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning and start your day. The most powerful inspiration comes when you pursue your very own distinctive, unconventional, unusual path that breaks away from the pack (the sheeples, I like to call them).

Have you ever noticed when there is a line forming, everyone stands in the one with the most people even though there are three other counters? Those are the sheeples, who follow the herd. We have been conditioned from infancy to follow the norm, to fit in, to believe what authority tells us, etc.  Everywhere you turn, you are asked to conform. If you want to feel alive, you need to work at being you, not some copy of someone else. As you get to know your real, true self, the more inspired you will become.

So who are you? How can you discover who you are?

Look at your life now. What do you like to do? When are you your happiest? It may not look like something tangible, like cooking or woodworking; it may be reading, or watching people. You may have an eye for detail in fashion or decorating. You may enjoy sailing, perhaps listening to others’ problems. As you are reading this you may be saying: Yes, that sounds great, but I need to make money. Look at the many ways people create income: Someone came up with stuffing a teddy bear with filling and a heart, giving it a name and birth certificate.  There are professional waterslide testers,Storm Chasers, Video Game Designers, Coffee/Tea Tasters just to name a few unusual actual jobs. People come up with new ways to make a living every day and you can too!

Pay attention and don’t dismiss anything. There are clues in your daily life.

There are 8 simple steps that are required for an Inspired Life. One of those is meditation.

Learn to meditate, wait…. before you say you can’t sit still and empty your mind….there are many ways to meditate. Some people do it while running, surfing or taking a walk. Being still and listening is a learning process for everyone.  You have to be willing and generous with yourself in that every second you remain still is a victory. A little at a time is good enough.

Guided meditations are a great way to begin, if it is difficult to sit and be completely still at first. Only in the stillness can we hear the answers that come from that sacred place within us.The more frantic and stressed we get, the less we find any answers. So learn to calm those racing thoughts and listen to what comes to you!

Be open. If you get invited to participate in something new: do it! If someone suggests taking a different path while hiking or walking: pursue it. If you feel the urge to take a trip: go. In your willingness to be open, doors open and you may be led to the very thing you have been searching for. Doing the same things again and again and expecting different results was defined as insanity by Einstein. So take a chance, open your mind and heart and allow new people and things into your life.

Sometimes we watch and learn from others; this is called modeling and while it is a powerful learning tool, it is only effective for a short while, as merely imitating someone else is ultimately not likely to be truly authentic or inspiring for you. What if they are living exactly the kind of life you want to live: Does that mean that you should model yourself after them? You can learn a lot from them, but you need to tailor it to your unique self. After all it’s very likely the people you admire were inspired to pursue their own unique path.

You CAN have an empowered, passionate, meaningful life ! Reaching your true potential requires a different kind of wisdom, one that requires you to develop a different concept about what is possible and a new attitude about life in general. You’ll want to acquire new life skills in order to produce higher quality results. Sound difficult? You do it one step at a time, taking  little baby steps.  It is no different than learning to ride a bicycle or eating with chopsticks.

You can do it!

If you need more help, contact me.

My first blog

My book “How to create Passion, Spirit & Adventure in your life” is completed and being formatted and finished for publication through amazon.com. I can’t tell you what an amazing and exciting feeling it is. My intention is to provide thought-provoking, empowering and helpful information for you to implement.

The book is a real look at what people do who are true to themselves. It is not a lofty…if you just mediate, it will come…kind of approach. Without a doubt the Law of Attraction is in effect, but there is more. You will have access to real people who have traveled down their own path and found what makes them feel alive.

I will keep you posted on the progress.

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