An Essential Quality Required for a Happy Relationship. Part One

Energy

This quality is a significant component in a satisfying relationship. That isn’t to say that you will absolutely fail without it, but one partner will most likely find him or herself frustrated, lonely and losing respect over time, which leads to contempt.

This essential quality is a person’s energy level.

Of course, we all have days in which we have more or less energy, but this article is about a person’s overall energy level, which is an intrinsic quality.

What exactly is that?

We humans exist on a continuum of energy levels. It goes from one extreme to the other with everything in between.

• On one end of the continuum are people we label as an A type personality. We describe them as someone who has high ambition, urgency and is very competitive. They are driven, can be workaholics and are very goal oriented.

This personality also has trouble relaxing. They put a lot of pressure on themselves, often multitask and are anxious. They are very focused and            can be impatient and even hostile when things don’t go according to their plan.

They are very time oriented and aggressive when intent on accomplishing tasks, which can show up as rudeness. They are often described as                  defensive when confronted with certain realities.

• On the other end of the continuum are people described as type B personalities. They are calmer, generally have lower stress levels and typically work at a steady, slower pace. Their sense of time is likely poor, but they display patience, encourage teamwork, and show more emotional stability.

This personality type leans more toward daydreaming. They typically have a laissez faire attitude and may be forgetful. They are prone to               procrastination and distractions. They are naturally more flexible.

• You may be one of those fortunate human beings who is more balanced. Some days you’re driven but you know how to relax. You see the bigger picture but know that time is of the essence. You can stay calm, yet intense.

Then there are variations on those energy levels.

• We all know people who are frequently up to something. They are curious and adventurous. They are creative. They are inspiring and fun to be around.
• And then, of course, those people who are downers. Nothing is good enough, life is hard, and they often have nothing to contribute, because why even try anything new and different.

How do I know what I am?

What is essential, is that you know who you are!! Where you belong.

Even if you never share this introspection with anyone, you must assess who you are with brutal honesty.

The couples I have come to know that have a more successful, satisfying relationship have similar energy levels.

They paid attention when they were dating and made this quality an absolute must.

What will it do?

Being in a relationship with someone with opposite energy levels will most likely lead to frequent upset and arguments. Over time this same old disagreement will create a lack of communication, which creates distance, which creates loneliness, a lack of respect and finally contempt.

Contempt is One of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse coined by Dr. John Gottman. See https://www.gottman.com

It’s just like a snowball rolling down the mountain, eventually creating an avalanche that buries the relationship.

John and Sarah

One of those couples is John and Sarah. They’ve been together for over 20 years.

John is a very successful entrepreneur. He’s driven, smart and opinionated. He has lots of friends and people who look up to him.

Sarah is an easy-going, pretty, homebody. She doesn’t have to work and likes it that way. She dotes on her kids and loves to sleep in. She is a kind and loving person.

John adored Sarah initially. Over time, however, as his business grew and more and more responsibilities fell on him, he became frustrated with Sarah’s lack of ambition toward anything. Her forgetfulness, her procrastination and inability to even keep the house clean.

He began to lecture her. Quickly, his lectures became demeaning and disrespectful, calling her lazy, unwilling to learn and dismissing any of her opinions.

Sarah, who thought she had found her successful prince charming, quickly began to lose any self-respect she may have had. She internally withdrew from John and took refuge in their children.

There were many arguments over the years, often in front of the kids. It became a predictable disagreement, a hamster wheel.

Now, with the kids nearly grown, they find themselves disillusioned and lonely. They feel trapped.

John can’t see a way out, because he feels a strong sense of responsibility toward his children and the large property he loves. Sarah, because she can’t imagine anything different, plus she could not possibly support herself at this stage.

This is one of the five essential qualities for a healthy, happy relationship. https://medium.com/@neuckh/couples-in-happy-relationships-do-these-five-simple-things-0ae7b7cc6c27

Stay tuned for Part Two of what makes for a great relationship. https://encinitas-counseling.com/an-essential-quality-in-happy-relationships/