Category: Belonging

Acceptance Aging Belonging Loneliness Stress • • • By Christina De Valencia 0 Comments

Fitting In

Fitting in is natural when we are prepubescent and preadolescent. It is a healthy way of imitating the world around us as we learn about ourselves. At that age life is still new to us and we are learning so much.

Some children are born knowing themselves and march to the beat of their own drum early on. But for most of us, it doesn’t work that way. We learn through the process of elimination, of observation.

Or we don’t.

When we are pressured to do, think, and behave in ways that others expect from us, it can become difficult to hear our own voice. Our parents or caregivers experience the world differently, which they try to impose on us. They think they are doing the best for us. They don’t mean us harm.

However, the result is a disconnection from ourselves in the pursuit of fitting in. We learn to deny our inner voice.
There are definitely times when it is appropriate to fit in. When we visit other countries, for example, it is important to respect other’s culture and traditions. But those are the exceptions.

It isn’t something you want to do in your daily life. Living that way is rejecting everything that makes you yourself; putting on an act. It’s draining the life out of you. Trying to be perfect. And we all know there is no such thing.

We are encouraged to follow the norm not only by our parents or caregivers. It’s society in general. School, neighbors, relatives, friends, social media. There’s a lot of pressure to be like everyone else, to match up to society’s ideas of how we should look, think, and act. Perfectionism.

We want to look cool, be popular, successful, doing the acceptable thing, and look good while doing it. Appearing like we have it all together. It’s a stressful way to live.

I know, in my life, fitting in was paramount. We moved from a large city to a smaller one, where my dad started his own business. He quickly became successful and well known in town. That meant that his family had to keep up his image of a successful, smart and well to do man. His very beautiful wife, my mother, only left the house looking perfect and being charming. Appearance was very important to him. His children had to look equally perfect. Everyone knew and admired the perfect family.

It was a pressure cooker that was inevitably going to explode when we, his kids, hit puberty. I ended up leaving when I was fifteen. My siblings took a deep dive into drugs. For each of us, the suffering was enough to search for an authentic expression of ourselves. I’m happy to say that today we no longer fit in. Yeah!!

I have finally found my own tribe and the happiness I get to experience by having a life that is meaningful to me allows me to be loving and gentle with the people with whom I no longer fit.

Not every family has that experience though. When the pressure is low key and steady, it is easier to get trapped into performing in ways that are expected of us. Many of us walk through life continually believing that we have to fit in, to look perfect, and not make waves. It’s our own personal skull sized hell.

It’s living a life of quiet desperation.

When we try to fit in, we know that something is wrong in our lives. It’s exhausting! We become depressed. We give up. We trudge to our jobs to make enough to pay our bills. Life has lost meaning. Life has become a predictable, unsatisfactory routine. We’re afraid to do anything different. We don’t know what we should do different.

We drink more. Have you noticed the continually increasing areas for alcohol in stores? We smoke weed or take stronger stuff. Antidepressants, drugs, sex, technology, whatever helps us to avoid feeling that pain of living so inauthentically.

We are meant to live out loud, even if we’re introverts. To express our uniqueness. March to the beat of our own drum.

It’s sharing that crazy idea, talking about the strange thoughts or experiences we have. It’s dancing when the music moves us. It’s teaching yoga, even if we have a law degree. It’s painting, even though our parents told us we’ll never make a living that way.

It’s opening yourself up. Becoming genuine. Stepping into the person you are and unapologetically being you.

Pain and suffering is nature’s way of inspiring change. When there’s enough discomfort, we will seek a different path.

  • It takes practice. It takes being willing to listen to yourself. Stop that inner chatter telling you how you have to act. Find a counselor to help you.
  • It takes courage! Not everyone will like you.
  • It takes maturity! Learning to make wise decisions for your life, recognizing reckless behavior. Being responsible with the freedom that comes with authenticity.
  • It takes humility. We are not better, or more important than our neighbor, our co-worker or friend. We may be different, but no more significant than anyone else. There is no need to push our differences onto others.
  • Being you does not mean hurting others but being kind to yourself and others. Remember that everyone is struggling in some form or other.
  • It’s important to find your tribe! Find the people that you belong with. It may take some time. Not everyone you meet will be your person, but believe me, they are out there.

Belonging, not fitting in

Belonging isn’t about what other people think of you. It’s not about being liked for what you’ve done or what you look like. It’s definitely not about making other people like you.

Belonging allows you to be yourself. Finding the people you connect with naturally. When you belong, people care about you as a person. It is effortless. It flows. It brings out the best in you.

Belonging allows you to truly connect to others. To become intimate emotionally. To be accepted for who you are. It allows you to let your hair down.

We all long to be seen, heard, and understood. It is what every human being craves. It’s impossible to be seen if we don’t show ourselves; if we are not authentic.

Without authenticity and vulnerability we cannot experience true intimacy.

Finding other souls that you belong with brings feelings of excitement, but also peace. You sense that you can finally find rest, and you won’t be judged for that silly thing you said, thought or enjoy doing. You won’t be criticized for having a bad day or week.
There are no expectations to be met.

Our differences are what lights up our world. Our crazy ideas are the next innovations. This is how we inspire others. Well behaved people never make history. Even if you don’t aspire to make the history books, be a light for others. Be hope. Be an inspiration so others can find their way out of darkness.

We do that simply by being ourselves.

The price to fit in is too high!!

Being Busy
Belonging Busyness Loneliness • By Christina De Valencia 0 Comments

Being Busy Does NOT Mean You’re Doing Something Meaningful

We all experience moments of genuine busyness—times when we’re overwhelmed with tasks that demand our attention. But more often than not, our constant busyness isn’t justified. It’s not always about having too much to do; sometimes, it’s about what we’re avoiding.

Maybe we stay busy to distract ourselves from issues we don’t want to face—or don’t know how to face.

Maybe we struggle to prioritize our time or set healthy boundaries.

Maybe we use busyness as a shield to avoid difficult conversations or interactions.

Or maybe we’re stuck in a situation that feels unbearable, and staying busy is the only way to cope.

The truth is much of our busyness doesn’t lead to anything meaningful. Instead, it gives us a false sense of importance, creating the illusion that what we’re doing truly matters.

When someone repeatedly tells you they’re “too busy”, it can be deeply hurtful. I used to reach out to my sister to have coffee, just to have some uninterrupted time for the two of us. We are both immigrants to this country, we have left our family and home. We are the only ones on this continent. We love each other. But her response is always “I’m so busy”. I know her well enough to understand the complexities behind her busyness, but over time, I stopped reaching out. Our relationship stagnated. We still see each other occasionally in group settings, but the closeness we once shared is gone.

Relationships sometimes disappear altogether when no effort is made. Good friendships fall by the wayside. Family members no longer see each other. It isn’t because people don’t care for each other. We just don’t think about the importance of reaching out. We are keeping busy.
We don’t see the big picture.

We don’t realize the importance of connection.

Sometimes I feel full of energy, washing dishes, cleaning the house, doing the laundry when I should be handling something more important or going for a walk with a friend. I feel like I am accomplishing a lot, when in fact I am just spinning my wheels. Of course, keeping my house clean and livable matters, but definitely not nearly as much as that human connection.

Our phones hold us hostage. When the phones were on a leash, we were free. Now they’re free and we are on a leash. We scroll, post on social media, text and scroll some more. We have lost our ability to just be with another person. To notice them next to us. To just feel whatever there is to feel.

All the while, anxiety and loneliness in our country is increasing. Depression is on the rise.

Watch when you sit in a waiting room at the doctor’s office or anywhere you have to wait. At the airport, standing in line somewhere. Literally everyone is looking down at their phones. It’s impossible to make eye contact.

Life is short—we’ve all heard it before, but it’s true. As I get older, I’m more aware of how fleeting our time is. I’ve come to appreciate the joy that comes from connecting with others: the depth of a meaningful conversation, the warmth of chatting with a neighbor, the stories people share about their lives, the pleasure of sharing a meal with a friend.

Children notice everything. They’re naturally curious. But hand them a device, and that curiosity fades. Slowly, their playfulness disappears, replaced by complaints of boredom when the screen is taken away.

We all are given a finite amount of time. Make it matter. Build the relationship. In the end, and I don’t mean at the end, all we have is each other. All that matters are the people in our lives. Have that cup of coffee with someone, that glass of wine, listen to their story, happy or sad. Reach out. That’s what will make us all feel better, excited and fulfilled.

Even if you are an introvert.

Humans aren’t solitary creatures by nature, like tigers or bears. We need each other—for love, inspiration, encouragement, companionship, and hope. We need to feel like we matter.

So let’s be a little less busy. Let’s put our phones down.
Let’s reach out.
Let’s make time for each other.

Pay Atrention to What you Feel
Belonging Confidence Tribe • • • • • • By Christina De Valencia 0 Comments

Pay Attention To The Way You Feel

The way you are treated is more important than how much you like them (although that will come).

We’ve all experienced feeling small around certain people. Not good enough. Flawed. Insecure. Those people may even have been our parents. Or someone at work, people in our social circle, maybe our sibling.

We feel constricted, not freely flowing from our hearts. Somewhat nervous, wanting to do the “right” thing, say the “right” thing. We may not even notice what’s happening until later, we’re so caught up in wanting to measure up, make the right impression. Wanting to be liked, desperate to be loved.

Sometimes, depending on the person we’re with, we don’t know what to say. Our minds go blank. We say something stupid or talk too much.

Nothing about those interactions or relationships bring out the best in us. They don’t allow us to grow. We only defend ourselves, we hide, we pretend, we play small or brag too much.

This isn’t about surrounding ourselves with people who kiss our ass or are pretentious. It isn’t about playing nice, not being straight with each other. We all have things we need to learn, pay attention to and change.

This is deeper. It’s on a soul level. It’s the recognition of someone speaking your language, of someone from your tribe. It’s about being genuine and honest with each other. It’s about wanting to know the other person deeply. Without judgment. Without criticism.

It’s about growing. Becoming the best version of ourselves.

Our lives move so quickly. Everything passes in a heartbeat. We don’t have time to waste time with people who make us feel wrong or small. Nothing good comes from that.

However, it’s unrealistic to think we can avoid them altogether. We all have to find a way to live together. We all have to deal with uncomfortable situations, painful interactions and hurtful people.

But we have to choose carefully those with whom we want to spend our time. We must be very discerning about the people we invite into our lives!

None of this is easy. Most of us have deep insecurities and often feel that we need to accept what we are given.

My early life was full of criticism. I felt like nothing about me was good enough. My parents were sure to let me know every day. I now know they only wanted good things for me and didn’t know how to keep me safe and make me feel loved. I have nothing but compassion for them now. Their childhood was worse than mine and they did their best.

But it left me totally insecure and confused about life. I felt like everyone knew more, and even worse, knew better than me. I looked out through my eyes, like a window, and felt disconnected, unworthy and alone. I had no trust in myself, my feelings and instincts. I was full of conflicts and chaos. I didn’t feel like I deserved good treatment. I actually had no idea that there were people who could make me feel good or even just sort of ok.

I chose people who made me feel as small, confused, and chaotic as my family. It felt familiar. I was used to it and I attracted more of it into my life.

I thought that this was how life was supposed to be. My nervous system knew the drill. I was accustomed to it.

This is why we humans stay in abusive relationships: our nervous system recognizes the feelings, the patterns. It activates our adrenaline, we feel alive. Miserable and in pain, but alive.

Here’s the amazing, miraculous thing though: our soul or higher self knows better. Our spirit deeply longs for recognition. It knows this isn’t how life should be.

If we’re willing to be still, even just sometimes, if we’re willing to listen, we can connect to that deep inner knowing.

You won’t connect to it if you keep filling your life with busyness, drugs, alcohol, sex or whatever you dream up.

Be still and learn to trust. Be willing to grow as a human being.

With time this knowing grows. You become stronger and you begin to choose people who bring goodness into your life. That is when miracles show up. That is when life becomes good in the most sacred, deep, fulfilling, and crazy way.

This works for all of us. You only need to be willing. And never give up!

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Find your Tribe
Belonging Loneliness Tribe By Christina De Valencia 0 Comments

Find Your Tribe…….Never Stop Searching

Find people who can handle your darkest truths, who don’t change the subject when you share your pain, or try to make you feel bad for feeling bad.

Find people who understand that we all struggle, some of us more than others and that there’s no weakness in admitting it. In fact, few things take as much strength.

Find people who want to be real, however that looks and feels, and who want you to be real too.

Find people who get that life is hard, and who get that life is also beautiful and who aren’t afraid to honor both those realities.

Find people who help you feel more at home in your heart, mind and body, and who take joy in your joy.

Find people who love you, for real and who accept you for real. Just as you are.

They’re out there, these people. Your tribe is waiting for you. Don’t stop searching until you find them.

 

Written by Scott Stabile https://www.scottstabile.com/

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