Category: Acceptance

Acceptance Aging Belonging Loneliness Stress Belonging • fitting in • loneliness • Stress October 2, 2023 By Christina De Valencia 0 Comments

Fitting In

Fitting in is natural when we are prepubescent and preadolescent. It is a healthy way of imitating the world around us as we learn about ourselves. At that age life is still new to us and we are learning so much.

Some children are born knowing themselves and march to the beat of their own drum early on. But for most of us, it doesn’t work that way. We learn through the process of elimination, of observation.

Or we don’t.

When we are pressured to do, think, and behave in ways that others expect from us, it can become difficult to hear our own voice. Our parents or caregivers experience the world differently, which they try to impose on us. They think they are doing the best for us. They don’t mean us harm.

However, the result is a disconnection from ourselves in the pursuit of fitting in. We learn to deny our inner voice.
There are definitely times when it is appropriate to fit in. When we visit other countries, for example, it is important to respect other’s culture and traditions. But those are the exceptions.

It isn’t something you want to do in your daily life. Living that way is rejecting everything that makes you yourself; putting on an act. It’s draining the life out of you. Trying to be perfect. And we all know there is no such thing.

We are encouraged to follow the norm not only by our parents or caregivers. It’s society in general. School, neighbors, relatives, friends, social media. There’s a lot of pressure to be like everyone else, to match up to society’s ideas of how we should look, think, and act. Perfectionism.

We want to look cool, be popular, successful, doing the acceptable thing, and look good while doing it. Appearing like we have it all together. It’s a stressful way to live.

I know, in my life, fitting in was paramount. We moved from a large city to a smaller one, where my dad started his own business. He quickly became successful and well known in town. That meant that his family had to keep up his image of a successful, smart and well to do man. His very beautiful wife, my mother, only left the house looking perfect and being charming. Appearance was very important to him. His children had to look equally perfect. Everyone knew and admired the perfect family.

It was a pressure cooker that was inevitably going to explode when we, his kids, hit puberty. I ended up leaving when I was fifteen. My siblings took a deep dive into drugs. For each of us, the suffering was enough to search for an authentic expression of ourselves. I’m happy to say that today we no longer fit in. Yeah!!

I have finally found my own tribe and the happiness I get to experience by having a life that is meaningful to me allows me to be loving and gentle with the people with whom I no longer fit.

Not every family has that experience though. When the pressure is low key and steady, it is easier to get trapped into performing in ways that are expected of us. Many of us walk through life continually believing that we have to fit in, to look perfect, and not make waves. It’s our own personal skull sized hell.

It’s living a life of quiet desperation.

When we try to fit in, we know that something is wrong in our lives. It’s exhausting! We become depressed. We give up. We trudge to our jobs to make enough to pay our bills. Life has lost meaning. Life has become a predictable, unsatisfactory routine. We’re afraid to do anything different. We don’t know what we should do different.

We drink more. Have you noticed the continually increasing areas for alcohol in stores? We smoke weed or take stronger stuff. Antidepressants, drugs, sex, technology, whatever helps us to avoid feeling that pain of living so inauthentically.

We are meant to live out loud, even if we’re introverts. To express our uniqueness. March to the beat of our own drum.

It’s sharing that crazy idea, talking about the strange thoughts or experiences we have. It’s dancing when the music moves us. It’s teaching yoga, even if we have a law degree. It’s painting, even though our parents told us we’ll never make a living that way.

It’s opening yourself up. Becoming genuine. Stepping into the person you are and unapologetically being you.

Pain and suffering is nature’s way of inspiring change. When there’s enough discomfort, we will seek a different path.

It takes practice. It takes being willing to listen to yourself. Stop that inner chatter telling you how you have to act. Find a counselor to help you.
It takes courage! Not everyone will like you.
It takes maturity! Learning to make wise decisions for your life, recognizing reckless behavior. Being responsible with the freedom that comes with authenticity.
It takes humility. We are not better, or more important than our neighbor, our co-worker or friend. We may be different, but no more significant than anyone else. There is no need to push our differences onto others.
Being you does not mean hurting others but being kind to yourself and others. Remember that everyone is struggling in some form or other.
It’s important to find your tribe! Find the people that you belong with. It may take some time. Not everyone you meet will be your person, but believe me, they are out there.

Belonging, not fitting in

Belonging isn’t about what other people think of you. It’s not about being liked for what you’ve done or what you look like. It’s definitely not about making other people like you.

Belonging allows you to be yourself. Finding the people you connect with naturally. When you belong, people care about you as a person. It is effortless. It flows. It brings out the best in you.

Belonging allows you to truly connect to others. To become intimate emotionally. To be accepted for who you are. It allows you to let your hair down.

We all long to be seen, heard, and understood. It is what every human being craves. It’s impossible to be seen if we don’t show ourselves; if we are not authentic.

Without authenticity and vulnerability we cannot experience true intimacy.

Finding other souls that you belong with brings feelings of excitement, but also peace. You sense that you can finally find rest, and you won’t be judged for that silly thing you said, thought or enjoy doing. You won’t be criticized for having a bad day or week.
There are no expectations to be met.

Our differences are what lights up our world. Our crazy ideas are the next innovations. This is how we inspire others. Well behaved people never make history. Even if you don’t aspire to make the history books, be a light for others. Be hope. Be an inspiration so others can find their way out of darkness.

We do that simply by being ourselves.

The price to fit in is too high!!

Acceptance Happiness June 20, 2018 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

What If We All Did This?

Recently my yoga teacher was talking about balance and neutrality. What he shared was different than I expected (that’s a lesson in itself, isn’t it?). I was sure he was going to lecture how we need balance in life, the yin and yang of things.

What he actually did talk about was that we seem to experience a lot of extreme ups and downs lately and we are all so focused on putting a positive spin on everything. Make it all look good. See the positive in your break-up or when you get laid off or fired. It’s over the top.

On the flip side, there are people who are always focused on the negative, the next crash or disappointment. They are standing in line at the check-out and the cashier closes the register: they just know that this was bound to happen to them. Nothing ever works out; you can bet on it, they tell you. They are off and running with the latest story of how they got screwed buying tires recently. They “know” the world is going to hell in a hand-basket.

Or we do both in the span of a week, a day, an hour. We are either way up or way down. Like an adrenaline rush. Things are working out and we are flying high, things aren’t working out and we get depressed.

Well, neither one of those perspectives is real. Life simply IS!

It is much less exhausting if we can acknowledge these ups and downs. If we can just observe life working out or not working out as we had hoped. What if we could just accept what is? Neither act positive nor negative. Just acknowledge that something, whether that is sad, painful or super-exciting. Allow it to run its course, because you know it will.

That’s where true peace resides.

What if you are having a conversation that triggers the memory of an incredibly painful time in your life? Of course if you are in a check-out line at the store, it’s not appropriate to delve into it, but what if that happens with friends or family? Or while you are posting in Instagram, Twitter or Facebook.

Wouldn’t it be incredibly freeing to know that you don’t have to pretend? You can express the facts of what is happening, recognize that although you feel upset this too shall pass.

Or feeling the high of getting our way, because you know this is also fleeting. It’s wonderful, that feeling of making things happen, but observe it. Watch that ego going overboard and rein it in a bit. Opt for balance.

We can share the truth of our lives without delving into a negative story, but with honesty and the awareness that this happens to all of us at one time or another.

Feelings come and go along with our memories. Sometimes talking is the most healing thing you can do, other times just taking time out to process on your own is best.

Extremes are rarely the answer.

Too much positivity creates shame, guilt and envy in others (and if that’s your intention then you likely have those feelings about your own life).

Too much negativity is depressing.

The best gift we can give each other is authenticity and vulnerability; we recognize ourselves in each other. That is where we connect.

We don’t connect when only sharing our strengths.

What would it look like if we were authentic and accept what is?

Acceptance Inspiration beauty • plans don't turn out • routine • spontaneity • structure December 27, 2017 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Getting to the Beautiful Things in Life

When were your best memories made? How did the most beautiful things come about in your life?

I bet they happened without your plans or organization or determination. When you allowed yourself to be spontaneous. When you let go of the rules for once. When you let go of your lists and plans.

Structure is a good thing. We all need some routine. It’s on a continuum, some people need more, some less. It makes us feel safe. It’s important for raising children, building a business, a relationship, even building a house. Structure is a way of organizing our lives so they make sense.

Structure is the skeleton that gives shape to our lives. It creates a sense of ownership, order and organization in our life. Structure is a routine throughout our day and week, making a plan and following through. It is setting goals and planning ahead.

A life without structure can add anxiety, depression, frustration and stress. When there is a lack of structure, things get forgotten, there is no point, life can become chaotic and we turn to negativity.

If a writer doesn’t have structure he simply rambles and jumps from thought to thought, confusing the reader.

If a child experiences no structure they cannot learn to feel safe. They cannot trust life. Once there is structure, their little spirits can relax and learn the things children have to learn, like walking, talking, responsibility and how to function in this life.

If you never let yourself stray from your schedule, there is no room for something new and different to come in. Every day is the same and you can expect more of the same.

If you get too rigid, if you hold on to your routine as if your life depended on it and never deviate, you miss out on the wondrous, magical things in life.

Several years ago I decided to write a little book about people’s careers, wanting to find out how they chose to do what they do and how it came about. In my interviews I discovered that a large majority fell into their vocation. It wasn’t in their plan. They met someone, something happened and – boom- a business or career was born.

Think of all your favorite memories, the best times with others, the sweet connection with a stranger, finding that treasure you carry with you everywhere….none of that could have happened while you followed your carefully laid out plans.

A client, we’ll call her Susan, had a strict routine for her weekdays, which included a workout after work, then home for a healthy dinner and staying in to look over her cases (she’s an attorney at a law firm).

She consistently refused any invitations. She was afraid that if she allowed herself any deviations, she’d compromise her health, her sleep and fall behind at work.

But she also worried constantly about finding a husband, especially since she was on the downhill side of 30. Susan wanted to be married and have children.

When one of her colleagues had a mid-week celebration, Susan struggled to come up with a good excuse not to go. Finally, she told herself she’d go just for ½ hour.

At that party she met a wonderful guy. They couldn’t stop talking, she stayed much longer than ½ hour and he became her husband several months later.

This would have never happened had she stuck to her structured, highly organized week.

The moral of the story: Don’t be too rigid with your routine! Beautiful things await if you let go, surrender and allow yourself to meander every once in a while.

Acceptance Mindfulness August 19, 2017 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Getting Real

By Tiffany Compton:

What’s wrong? Don’t cry. Don’t be sad. Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about. Geez! You’re so sensitive! What’s the matter with you? Just focus on something else. It’s not as bad as you think. Go start a gratitude journal.

Help someone else and stop thinking about yourself. You must not be spiritual enough. You’re not trying hard enough. This is your fault. You’re a bad person, and this is why you feel this way. You brought this on yourself. You really aren’t sad. You’re just feeling sorry for yourself.

You are so selfish. You think you have it bad? Other people have it worse than you. You don’t have any reason to feel that way. Stop it! I’m sick of this!!! Enough of the drama already! You are seriously fucked up. You make me sick. Just smile and you’ll feel better. Think better, and you’ll feel better. Act better, and you’ll feel better. There’s something wrong with you. If you did what I told you, you wouldn’t be feeling this way. Just pull yourself up by the bootstraps. Fake it ‘til you make it.

You know what I have to say to this? It’s all bunch of shit! I am so fucking sick of being told feeling sad or depressed is wrong or bad and needs to be fixed.

I’m so fucking sick of telling myself that there’s something wrong with my feelings and that I need an attitude adjustment.

I’m so fucking sick of people treating sadness as if it’s leprosy and anyone dealing with sadness needs to be shunned for fear that they will catch it like it’s some contagious disease.

All of my feelings are valid, even my sadness.

How does sadness feel when it is shamed? I’ll tell you how my sadness feels when she’s shamed. More sad. It doesn’t help to shame feelings. It doesn’t help to tell feelings that they need to go away because they are bad.

Feelings aren’t bad or good. They just are. Just like the weather isn’t bad or good, right or wrong. It’s just weather. The rain is just as important as the sun.

I’m sick of shaming my feelings. I’m sick of telling my feelings what they need to do and how they need to change because they’re wrong or bad. I’m sick of not having all of myself and my feelings being welcome. All my feelings are welcome and valid. I’m not shaming my feelings anymore.

You know what my sad feelings are getting? Love! I’m throwing sadness a party. I’m celebrating her. She’s important too. She’s going to be indulged with decadence. Not out of fear, but out of love.

She’s going to be swept away to get a massage, a nice stroll on the beach, and a dip in the ocean. She is getting a luxurious time at the salon, having her hair washed, cut, and dried. She is going to be draped in a gorgeous party dress and taking out to celebrate with her friends. We are all going to sit around the dinner table toasting to her value and beauty.

Sadness is important. She has gifts. She is just as equally worthy of love and gratitude and joy. Sadness doesn’t need put downs or scolding. She doesn’t need to be told to change or that there something wrong with her. She wants and needs to be celebrated just as much as the other feelings that rise and fall within me.

So, yeah, sadness is going out in style. No more put downs. No more forcing. No more rushing. No more gas-lighting. No more blaming. No more of any of that shit.

Sadness is worthy. Sadness is important. Sadness has value. Sadness has gifts. She deserves a long overdue celebration where all of her tears are praised, loved, and appreciated.

Sadness and I are getting reacquainted with each other. I am making amends to her, and we are starting fresh. It’s the start of a new friendship that will become one of the most beautiful love affairs of my life.

I love my sadness, and she’s getting a big hug and a kiss from me. If feels good. This is something we both been missing a very long time. This is the path to heaven.

Here’s a great book to help understand this: https://amzn.to/2wlGy9L

Please share if this was helpful. To receive more insights leave your name and email address.

Acceptance Mindfulness August 8, 2017 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Feelings? Fuhgeddaboudit!

A friend recently told me when sharing her feelings in a group setting; she is usually the one to cry or laugh, sometimes both, while most of the other group-members act very calm and matter of fact.

Her emotions are always crowding in. She was worried that she feels too much and didn’t think that was normal.

It left her feeling like something is wrong with her.

In fact, she experiences her life in highs and lows… with intermittent calm periods.

She is not alone!

The majority, but not all people experience this up and down. However, we are well trained to hide it from others. Our cultural norm, our American norm, is to always feel “fine” and have it all together, meaning we pretend we don’t feel lonely, rejected, sad, jealous, abandoned or God forbid needy. Isn’t perfection what we portray on Social Media. We look good, we feel great, and our families are amazing.

We have been conditioned since childhood to be removed from our feelings. We’ve learned that our real feelings need to be tucked away. Many people never realize that they aren’t connected to their emotions.

Turning away from ourselves is what we’ve been programmed to do all our lives.

Mamma mia, Italians let it all hang out. They scream and yell, talk with their hands, pound the table…..as quick as it starts it’s over. Fuhgeddaboudit.

It’s clearly cultural!!

Expressing our feelings is healing.

It’s human nature to have conflicting, confused, ambiguous, strong and sometimes crazy feelings. Admittedly, some more than others.

Being vulnerable and at peace with your truth is your path to FREEDOM.

My life has felt like an emotional roller coaster. One minute I’ll experience profound gratitude and joy for the phone-call from my friend. In the next minute my partner will say something that brings me back to one of our most painful moments in our relationship and I’ll plummet.

I may be driving down the road reflecting on something with half a mind, another driver cuts me off and I end up at a red light. Somehow that triggers a memory deep within and suddenly I am in a black mood.

Conversely, if I feel despair over parts of my future and I go out to a museum or some creative event, I suddenly can’t remember why I felt hopeless when the world is so wonderful.

I’ve watched this up and down most of my life and have come to the conclusion that I’d rather FEEL everything than be disconnected.

What a beautiful rainbow of feelings that show us we are alive.

I feel others’ feelings; I feel animals’ feelings and sometimes it all feels like too much. Then I know I have to take some time out for myself.

I’ve come to accept most of my feelings, but I can tell you that this took a while.

Having grown up with a father who ridicules feelings and a mother who died from feeling too much (never finding support), I saw my feelings as the enemy.

I started out disconnected, being opinionated and in control to cover up my feelings of inadequacy, often behaving harshly like my father. Moving to America and having children gradually changed this for me, softening me and allowing the ups and downs to show. But, guess what, as my children grew they began to criticize my ability to express my feelings and called me “dramatic”.

What cosmic irony!

It felt awful, my own children rejecting the very parts of me that took so long to accept. What was I supposed to do with that? I could dismiss their criticism, but I want a good relationship with my kids.

Back to ….

More introspection.

More observations of life and others.

More confusion with my boundaries.

If you’re looking for a happy ending here I have to disappoint you. It’s an ongoing process. I have to trust that I raised my kids with the permission to feel …and maybe they are just momentarily caught in the web of cultural norm and the typical phase of reflection in which the parent represents what they struggle with themselves.

I am finding acceptance.

In my observations, I discovered that the strongest people accept and show their emotions, their feelings, because it takes courage to make yourself vulnerable.

Some books that have helped me on this journey:

Hinds Feet On High Places by Hannah Hurnard

Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol K. Truman

Please share if this was helpful or I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Acceptance Forgiveness Mindfulness compassion • doing our best • forgiveness • love • mindfulness • mindfulness meditation • mindfulness practice • mindfulness trainig • mindfulness workshop • non-judgment May 6, 2016 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Are We Doing The Best We Can?

Years ago, while studying the Course in Miracles, I read that we shall not judge one another, because everyone is always doing their best in any given moment.

That stayed with me…….but I didn’t really believe it.

Looking around, it appeared that people should know better than to do hurtful things to one another, ignore each other, or make stupid choices.

Don’t we all feel that someone has wronged us?

⦁ That our parents did stupid things, hurtful things that we would never do?

⦁ We judge others’ lifestyles, because they look weird to us.

⦁ We see the husband cheating on the wife who believes she is doing her best to make the marriage work.

⦁ The man who chooses not to forgive the father who used to berate and beat him, but now desperately wants a relationship.

⦁ The friend who declares eternal love, but keeps “forgetting” dates to get together, doesn’t call, goes out with other friends and doesn’t invite you.

⦁ Or, the person in the super-market who won’t smile back, just stares or looks away.

⦁ The people that are so irresponsible, it’s hard to understand how they make it through life.

⦁ The person who lies about everything.

Observing all this, it seemed clear to me that it was simply not true that everyone is doing their best.

Some things are just obviously right or wrong and we should know this.

To be truthful, I just didn’t get it…. for years. I continually judged, because it seemed so straightforward to me that some people’s choices were just plain selfish, stupid and mean.

It took some painful events to wake me up (isn’t it always that way!), to humble me and my opinions.

To see it differently.

It took going deeper. It took realizing that we are sacred beings, each of us with a purpose that only God knows.

But it helps to understand. Our mind likes organization and order. So I began taking a closer look at what might prompt some of the behavior that looks so hurtful.

⦁ What causes a person to act selfish?

We are complex beings, but we have learned that there are certain things children need to become healthy, well functioning adults. If they are deprived of those basic needs, parts of their psyche become misaligned or crippled.

Babies need touch. That’s a fact. Some years ago this tragedy was all over the media about some orphanages in Eastern Europe where babies and toddlers were left neglected in their cribs without human touch. They simply died.
Our body and psyche need to be connected, acknowledged and appreciated. We need to be bound to others, be nurtured, understood and loved. Human beings are social animals.

When our parents are incapable of nurturing our body, mind and spirit, parts of us wither. Typically then it becomes difficult to develop compassion, integrity, understanding, generosity, kindness and connection as we grow into adulthood.

We first have to receive, before we can give to others.

If we do not receive compassion, we can’t give it. If we do not experience kindness and connection, we can’t give it.

Worse .…..depending on the degree of isolation, we might become narcissistic. That is the epitome of self-centeredness, wherein someone is so lacking that they are incapable of forming a bond or giving selflessly.

So, selfishness, I found, exists on a continuum.

Our ability to give depends largely on what we received in childhood.

⦁ Why are some people always critical?

One of my clients was perpetually criticized and reprimanded as a child. The parents didn’t know any better, because that is how they were raised.
They had good intentions, they believed that this would make him an aware person, who would know the difference between right and wrong.

This young man found himself constantly being critical of others, either aloud or silently. Particularly of his girlfriend. He was letting her know that he knew better and she needed to listen to him. He was certain he was doing the right thing. Eventually she left him. This scenario repeated a few more times until he realized he needed some help.

He felt so insignificant as a child, that by degrading someone else as an adult, he made himself feel more significant.

It’s painful for everyone involved, because the person who is hurt by the behavior suffers and the person who perpetrates recognizes on some level that something isn’t right. They may even feel imprisoned in their emotional state.

⦁ What about all the other strange behaviors?

Sometimes we have a deep fear that we will not get what we need from others. That we don’t really deserve anything good.
We develop coping skills, we will find a way to survive.

That may include drinking, drugs, sex, overeating, anger, avoidance, denial, too much activity…..keeping busy so we don’t have to be present. We get quite creative with the possibilities.

Carol grew up in an uncertain, frightening environment. As a little girl, she watched her bi-polar schizophrenic mother being taken away in a straight jacket, never to return. Her father dealt with his despair by drinking, screaming and physically abusing his children; waking them up in the middle of the night to have them pull weeds naked. Carol’s older brother left home to join the army as early as he could. Then her younger brother ran away. This left her unprotected, afraid and alone. She often had to sleep outside and didn’t know when the next meal would come.

This little girl only knew chaos, there was nothing safe and solid to hold onto.

As an adult, Carol can only focus on one thing at a time, she is easily overwhelmed. She is full of anxiety and needs to verbally outline everything she will be doing for the next few days. She has lived in the same home for most of her life and is very obsessive on how she arranges her things and her life.

One of her coping skills is denial.

Denial of her deteriorating marriage, her advanced age, the state of her deteriorating home, that time is not standing still…..

This is how she creates a perceived sense of safety.

She is doing the best she can.

⦁ Why do people lie?

As children we don’t want to get in trouble, we want to be loved and accepted. Yet at times there are things we want to do that we know we shouldn’t do.

So we learn to say….it wasn’t me, I didn’t do that.

If many things are forbidden, we become very creative. We develop a very sensitive radar to what is expected from us.
We learn that it isn’t safe to be truthful, because we won’t be accepted or worse, we will be punished.

This can become a habit, a pattern, as we grow into adulthood.

We all want to be liked. If we suspect that our behavior might upset someone, we just make up a little lie….or a big one, so we can look good to others and continue to be accepted.

———————————-

Once we step through the door of understanding, the door widens and……………

…when we begin to see others with compassion, with the intention to love, it becomes clear that everyone is always doing the best they can.

Even if we don’t know their history!

—————————-

In life the happy, joyful, peaceful times carry us forward and give us strength. The painful times help us grow…. if we are open to learning.

It’s how we all make it through life. When we know better, we do better.

Looking at it this way then, we are ALL always doing the best we can in any given moment.

Check out another perspective: https://kripalu.org/resources/what-if-were-all-doing-best-we-can

Acceptance Forgiveness Mindfulness acceptance • Counseling • forgiveness • mindfulness • mindfulness meditation • mindfulness practice • mindfulness training • mindfulness workshop • northcountycounseling • resentment • self-forgiveness • self-punishment November 8, 2015 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Healing Happens When You Forgive.

This is the second in a series of articles looking at how our feelings affect our lives and bodies. It is powerful knowledge that can help eliminate pain in all areas of your life. If you are struggling with something, send me an email or call.

Healing happens when you forgive

This is a more in depth look at a component of forgiveness, that we often don’t acknowledge.

Forgiveness is essential in every major religion on our planet.

The final words uttered by Christ during his suffering reinforce the importance of forgiveness: “”Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34).

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else but you are the one who gets burned” — The Buddha

“Who takes vengeance or bears a grudge acts like one who, having cut one hand while handling a knife, avenges himself by stabbing the other hand.” — Jerusalem Talmud, Nedarim 9.4

What is forgiveness:

“Forgiveness is the act of consciously deciding to let go of resentment or vengeance toward another entity who has harmed you in some way (whether or not they’re actually deserving of that forgiveness)”, according to the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley.

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting or condoning a behavior. It is simply a desire on your part to let go of the burden of carrying the anger, rage and vengeful thoughts…..and giving them to a higher power.

It sounds like a paradox. Forgive, not forget? How do you do that?

I think letting go (forgiving) happens more easily, the more tired you are of carrying the heaviness of those negative feelings. It can be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but conversely, it is also one of the most freeing and miraculous things that can ever happen to you.

The moment you become willing, a space opens up for miracles to occur. Relationships are healed, physical healing occurs and suddenly personal peace and joy is in your life.

I spent years working on forgiving my father. I wanted a loving relationship with him. What we had was too painful for me. I wanted to be able to tell him how I experienced my childhood, but he was not open to that. So I had to do the work by myself.

Today, the memories of my childhood in his house are still there, but the pain, the emotional charge, the hurt and suffering, are gone.

Forgiving a parent is difficult. Our whole outlook on life was developed because of what and how we experienced life with them. I remember the violence I experienced when I look at my father’s hands, but today I just feel love and want to hold them. With the grace of God, I see beyond my father’s unloving behavior, understand the origin of it and see the love behind it.

How I forgave:

There are many different ways you can tackle forgiveness toward others.

Letter writing is one way: You put all your grievances on paper and then burn that letter, or bury it.

There are many forgiveness meditations that walk you through the layers.

Sometimes you have the opportunity to discuss our pain with the offending person.

When I started, I had no idea how to go about it.

Somehow, I prayed my way through it, asking for guidance to find a way to let go, I stepped outside of my wounded self and learned to view my dad as the child he once was. Looking at his childhood, his parents, his upbringing and seeing a little boy who had to develop these coping skills that left him so emotionally crippled made me want to cry.

I imagined how life must have felt to that little boy. He grew up in pre- World War II in Germany during the rise of Hitler. Not only is he a product of the German culture: strict, efficient, judgmental, quiet, orderly, not known for being warm and caring. He also had an incredibly uneducated, abusive father and an although kind, but submissive mother. I can almost see that frightened little boy, growing up without any hugs or praise. Never a gentle word or any encouragement.

There were 4 kids in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment in “a child is to be seen, not heard” world. There were plenty of brutal beatings and degrading, critical comments. At the age of 10, he was inducted into the Hitler Youth. That meant living in a camp with other boys and severe, exacting caretakers for 4 years. I have no idea what kind of abuse he endured there, because he refuses to talk about it.

I don’t believe my dad could allow himself to be loving and soft. He had to develop some hard, twisted ways to cope with that cruel childhood of his. Love was a superfluous emotion.

I was deep in my adulthood, when I realized that he shows his love by feeding you. If he takes you out to eat, or cooks for you, you know he cares.

During the process of forgiving my dad, I sometimes thought I was finished, all done, nothing more to forgive. Yet, when I least expected it, another layer of stuff came up. But I was determined and it was worth it.

We have good conversations now, because on some level he feels that I no longer consider him guilty. We both learned to become softer with each other, trust more and share more intimately. On the other end, my brother, has not been able to let go of his anger toward his father. He still talks about many painful occasions as if they happened yesterday. Their relationship is strained and uncomfortable.

The path less taken:

Typically, when you think about forgiveness, you think of others who have wronged you.

Yet, the most profound act of forgiveness is self-forgiveness. I think few of us dare to look at the depth of pain we have caused. I don’t know why it is so difficult to forgive ourselves? We are unbelievably hard on ourselves.

It is so deep and heavy that you’d rather not acknowledge it. You might break under the realization that you have caused harm and suffering for others. At times, you may glimpse some of the damage you created. This kind pain can bring you to your knees with self-hatred.

No wonder you don’t want to look at it.

These are the parts that you hide from yourself, from others, that you cover up with a facade, a mask, with lots of activity to keep from having to deal with it.

As a matter of fact, most of us are so good at this cover up that we aren’t even aware of the complex, deeply layered protective mask we have created. I am including myself in this. We are masters at it, the greatest actors of all: Keeping busy, acting defensive, covering up! We can spend our whole lives like that.

When this awareness comes up, it is not a time to do busy work, turn on the TV, get a drink or do anything evasive to avoid it again.

When the pain comes up, it is time to get still and pay attention. Listen to it. What is it telling you? What do you need to look at?

Don’t be afraid! Your fears are just thoughts. They can’t harm you.

This kind of pain wreaks havoc with your body, your mind, your relationships, your daily life.

My father is not able to look at himself. His pain must be enormous, because he has punished himself with such severe physical pain and lack of relationships that it breaks my heart. His body barely functions anymore, he spends more time in hospitals than home and feels alone and unloved.

Because, you see, when you can forgive yourself, there is only understanding and compassion left for others. There is only kindness and gentleness left………and self-esteem!

We see in others what is in us. How can you see goodness out there if it isn’t in you first? The people in our lives are a reflection of ourselves.

“Where there is forgiveness, there God resides — Kabir, page 137

In this self-forgiveness miracles happen. Our DNA literally changes, because our insides are no longer twisted up and our cells can work properly again. Healing begins!

There are many who have been healed physically and emotionally through forgiveness. I am incredibly blessed that some of these exceptional human beings are my friends. Exceptional, because they tackled the work of forgiveness. Check out Dr. Vernon Sylvest’s miraculous healing on h ttp://www.vmsylvestmd.com/

What I have learned:

We all need teachers and guidance at times. One of my teachers is an amazing woman, who has been healed of cancer twice, and joy and happiness literally ooze from her being, even across distance. Lauren Lane Powell https://www.harmoniesofhealing.com.

We met when I was writing “How to Create Passion Spirit Adventure” https://amzn.to/2svA4iW and interviewing people who love their work. She subsequently walked through the valley of the shadow of death twice.

Lauren has been teaching me that the pain and anger is lodged in our bodies and cannot be released simply by thinking it away.

She taught me a practice that puts awareness into the body and allows release at the cellular level. This requires energy and sometimes I don’t have it. But there is always more than one way to do forgiveness work. What’s important is doing the practice, NOT pushing the difficult, painful feelings away!

Pain, Sorrow, Fear, Sadness are our travel companions in this lifetime. I don’t know anyone who can escape them. Why not make friends with them, acknowledge them? When you shine a light into the darkness, the power of the fear diminishes. It lessens the intensity of the negative feelings and allows the positive to return more quickly.

Let me know if I can help or if you would like to learn a powerful forgiveness practice.

God bless you!

Acceptance Faith Happiness Inspiration Integrity Self-Love Success love • movie • Wayne Dyer September 3, 2015 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Wayne Dyer’s last gift….it’s free

dr-wayne-dyer

We have lost a great soul on this earth. His family posted in social media that: “Wayne has left his body, passing away through the night. He always said he couldn’t wait for this next adventure to begin and had no fear of dying. ” Wayne Dyer has contributed so much to our lives through his books, talks, PBS specials and simply his presence.

One of his famous quotes is: “Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love, and I send that love out into the world.”

It was his purpose to re-discover the meaning of life and share it with us, guide us and inspire us. I’m forever grateful to have had the opportunity to experience him in my life.

In honor of his life, Hay House is offering his film “Shift” for a limited time for free. I want to do my part by sharing this link with as many people as I can, because if you are just a little bit willing, it can bring a shift into your life. It is a message we all need to hear.

On some level we are all searching for something. It is built into us, we can’t escape it. We might pretend otherwise, but it keeps tugging at us.

We long to find meaning in our lives, we long for love, peace, joy and purpose.

However, the world we live in is a paradox, an insane place. All you have to do is call a big organization: You will be told “Your call is important to us” and then be put on hold for an indeterminate amount of time. Really?

Governments are meant to serve, but do you feel served or more like a victim of bureaucracy?

We will be punished if we don’t pay our bills, but our governments, who are supposed to represent us, continue to accumulate more debt and print more money. They don’t pay their bills.

Everywhere you look, the action does not reflect the words. The answer is not out there!

Wayne Dyer said: “Society demands conformity at the expense of individual liberty. Let us be for once a non-conformist to be fully alive.”

Our businesses, the media, laws and governments are not run by enlightened, kind, caring people. How can it not be confusing and illogical to follow society’s rules? That is not where the answers are!

In his film “Shift”, Wayne Dyer gently guides us back to ourselves where we have the answers. He does it with such humility, kindness and patience that we lay down our defenses and listen. He does it with such integrity that you feel trust and a willingness to acknowledge the truth of his words.

https://www.drwaynedyer.com/blog/making-the-shift/

So take a few moments to watch this powerful movie and let me know if it made a difference to you.

I’ll leave you with some of my favorite quotes by Wayne Dyer:

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

“If you have a choice between right and kind, always choose kind”

“Live one day at a time emphasizing ethics rather than rules.”

“A mind at peace, a mind centered and not focused on harming others, is stronger than any physical force in the universe”

Acceptance Faith Gratitude Reality character • choices • emotional pain • emotional wounds • healing emotional pain • inner peace January 4, 2015 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Healing…………

“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of your pain that is holding you in your past, the memories and make peace with them.” Iyanla Vanzant

I couldn’t say it any better.

This is the truth!

In all my years on this planet, I have not found an easier solution.

Most of us will not experience God’s grace the way Paul did in the Bible (1 Corin 15:10) Grace is God’s unmerited favor. It is a miracle that shifts our old way of thinking and makes us new.

Most of us will have to do the work while practicing faith and patience.

It will be different for each of us, but we have to deal with the wounds. We cannot cover them with a smile or false laughter; they will find a way to creep into your life when you least expect them.

This life, your life will reflect your choices made from that unconscious state created by your wounds.

Each day you are faced with choices. Your life, as it is now, is made up of choices that you made in the past.

These choices will ultimately reveal the real you.

The sum of your life will show your thoughts, your beliefs, your character.

Do you choose to care about others, or only about your pleasure and comfort? Do you choose to try to get by, take shortcuts or put in the time and effort? Do you choose to stay open and learn or do you stay with your fixed perspective? Do you choose gratitude or complain and find fault? Do you choose lies or honesty? Do you choose defensiveness over vulnerability?

Why?

What has happened in your past?

If you discover that you are living a selfish life, ask for courage and look at what happened that made you feel so empty that you cannot consider others! Open this horrible, deep wound of rejection and abandonment within you, look at it (you will need help from someone), shine some light on it and begin the healing.

I’m not going to promise that doing the work means that you will live happily ever after, but you will find a deep peace and joy that will forever elude you if you choose denial. You will discover a strength and a faith that will help to create a richer, more meaningful life.

For additional tools for Personal Growth go to https://www.selfgrowth.com

SelfGrowth.com is the most complete guide to information about Self -Improvement, Personal Growth and Self Help on the Internet. It is designed to be an organized directory, with articles and references to thousands of other Web Sites on the World Wide Web.

Acceptance acceptance • Behavior • differences • Dr. Seuss • Judgment • love • nature • People • strangeness • weirdness November 16, 2013 By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

Are you weirder than me?

I recently moved because of my neighbors. I couldn’t live next to those weird people anymore.

We, the neighbors and I, judged one another harshly for being different.

We couldn’t accept each other.

It just seems so difficult to do with all these weird people around us! Don’t you think those thoughts? Don’t you believe that your lifestyle is really the best way and if everyone just understood that, the world would be a better place?

I sure did.

Staying in the same place all their lives is some people’s idea of a good life, while others love to travel and move around. Some wouldn’t do without a routine; others can’t stand the same thing every day. Some people stay married for life and judge others for getting divorced.

And what is it with gay people? Are they born that way or did they learn that? What about people that hoard, or women with muffin tops and super-tight shirts? What are they thinking? Why do some people, especially guys, talk sooo loud on their cell-phones in public?

We could go on all day like that. It’s really easy to get stuck on someone else’s odd behavior.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. Mostly because I want to be loving and accepting.

My parents were incredibly judgmental about others, about the smallest stuff even, like the way someone wore their hair or their make-up. One day I listened to my mom go on about the way my aunt was chopping onions. I mean really, what difference does it make?

It made me want to figure out how we could learn to accept each other more. Would it really be better if we were all similar?

I decided to look at Nature. It is incredibly diverse.

Just look at a rose, such beauty that comes with thorns. How about a dandelion, a flower that changes and then you can puff it into the wind? There are rare, exotic flowers and there are wildflowers, there are brightly colored flowers, intricate and simple flowers. Some are long blooming and some have a very brief lifespan.

What about the animals? Some mate for life, some never mate. Some live in groups, some are loners. Some prefer same sex, some are loud, some are quiet, some are big, some are little, some are lazy, some super-industrious………..

My point is, whatever you can dream up, exists in nature. Pretty awesome, wouldn’t you say?

So if it is present in nature, it can’t be absent in human nature.

Human nature mirrors nature!

We CAN accept, appreciate and love the presence of all human nature’s weirdness. We don’t have to hang out with it if it isn’t our thing. We have to take responsibility for surrounding ourselves with what feels right to us, what works for us…….sometimes that means moving.