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Respect • • • • • • • By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

An Essential Quality in a Happy Relationship. Part Three

Respect

It is easy to notice a lack of respect, but defining it isn’t as easy.

To have respect for someone else, you must have respect for yourself.

Definition of Respect

Respect is showing regard for someone’s abilities and worth. It means valuing their feelings and their views, even if you don’t agree. It means accepting them on an equal footing and giving them the same consideration you would expect for yourself.

Respect is treating someone with kindness, understanding and compassion and accepting them for who they are.

Respect begins with oneself.

Respect is learned by experience. It is also defined by culture.

The Importance of Respect in Your Circle

The basis for respect lies in our values. It’s difficult to respect someone’s behavior if it is on the opposite end of the spectrum of what we consider respectful.

Let’s say your dog is well trained in regard to barking and walking. It is important to you not to disturb your neighbors. You feel that this shows respect for their privacy and right to quiet enjoyment of their home.

You realize that the sidewalk is a public place where everyone can safely walk. Therefore, your dog knows to walk calmly and is on a short leash when someone approaches.

Across the street from you lives a person whose dog is always barking and jumping at the fence or the window. When you cross paths on your walk, their leash tangles around your feet.

Maybe that person is from a different culture where those things aren’t important. Everyone is loud and rowdy, and dogs run wild and bark freely.

Since you live relatively close to each other it gets difficult. You may be able to grudgingly give respect for their cultural values, but living so closely will gradually erode your effort at respect.

 

Respect in Your Relationship

Respect is a vital component of any healthy relationship. It is part of the five essential qualities for a good relationship. https://encinitas-counseling.com/part-one-one-of-the-essential-qualities-in-a-happy-relationship/

As we discussed in previous posts, the foundation for a healthy respectful relationship is understanding your and your partner’s values. https://encinitas-counseling.com/an-essential-quality-in-happy-relationships/

You can love someone yet struggle to have respect. If one of your values is living a healthy lifestyle, yet your partner can’t seem to stop eating cookies and chips while their blood sugar keeps going up.

Here are some helpful questions about your beliefs about respect. It is important that you discuss these with your partner and share your definitions of what respect means to either of you.

  • What are your boundaries? Your partner’s boundaries?
  • What behavior is a deal breaker?
  • What are your definitions of respect? Does your partner share those definitions?
  • What are examples of respect and disrespect?
  • Do you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner?
  • Can you trust your partner? What does trust looks like in your daily life?
  • What happens if one of you is disrespectful? How will you handle this?

Each relationship is unique and has different issues. Determine what yours are.

Is your partner constantly looking at his phone when he’s home? Have you discussed that this feels disrespectful to you, particularly when you are trying to discuss some important concerns? Can you talk about this and find a happy medium?

Is your wife always talking and never really listening to you? Some people feel compelled to talk a lot. They’re always talking over other people. Always working on the response, rather than listening to what is being said by their partner.

This kind of compulsion requires serious effort on your partner’s side. This could be something that would benefit from counseling.

How to Build Respect in Your Relationship

Once you lose respect, like trust, it is difficult to rebuild.

You can rebuild trust if disrespectful behavior is not abusive and recurring.

Being in a relationship is sometimes difficult, even for the happiest, healthiest couples. You’re bound to disagree, make poor decisions, experience mood changes, and cross boundaries.

Here are some helpful ways you can build respect:

  • Open and honest communication. It is better to communicate honestly than to worry about hurting your partner’s feelings, because if you are not honest about your feelings and beliefs, it will eventually come out and their feelings will be hurt more deeply than if you had expressed your thoughts early on.
  • Support each other’s interests. You don’t have to share the same interests. Everyone has different interests, passions, and hobbies and it’s important to support what your partner values, if it isn’t damaging to the relationship. Maybe your partner loves to travel, but you don’t. Don’t deter her from going with friends. You are supporting her passion and by acknowledging and accepting this, it will build respect in your relationship.
  • Take responsibility for your actions. Don’t blame outside circumstances or another person. We’ve all known people who never admit their part in the issue. It brings to mind a child who wants to avoid getting in trouble. That is not a behavior that inspires respect.

The most essential quality for a healthy foundation in a relationship is self-awareness and it is critical that you notice how your behavior is affecting your relationship. How much are you bringing to the relationship and how is your stress affecting your ability to show up for your partner?

See more https://medium.com/@neuckh/couples-in-happy-relationships-do-these-five-simple-things-0ae7b7cc6c27

https://www.verywellmind.com/respect-is-vital-to-building-a-healthy-relationship-5206110

Values • • • By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

An Essential Quality in Happy Relationships. Part Two

Values

I didn’t even know what that was in my younger years. The majority of people I talk to never even give them a thought. They’re “um, what do you mean?”

Have you spent any time looking at your values? Has anyone explained what are they? I think that’s the problem, no one talks about them as we’re growing up.

What are Values?

Values are the things that you believe are important in the way you live and work.

Values are your beliefs of right and wrong.

Values are an integral part of an individual’s personality. They can be defined as personal goals that are linked to our emotions. Therefore, they significantly influence what makes you happy or discontent in life.

We have many values and some of these can change over the course of our lives. Our values are influenced by the people we surround ourselves with and the culture we live in.

Some of the core values include integrity, security, loyalty, discipline, accountability, consistency, self-determination, generosity, kindness and many more.

Values are the rules by which we live our lives. We have a hierarchy of these values, which means on your list of values, some will be more important than others.

How to Define Your Values

Defining your values can be tricky. You may have wishful thoughts about how you want to be perceived, which causes you to behave in ways that don’t feel good to you.

Or the culture you’ve grown up in insists on certain beliefs and behaviors that cause you discomfort.

It can be helpful to ask yourself some questions that support you in how to define your true beliefs.

  • Thinking about your life, what is the most important aspect?
  • What do you admire most in life?
  • What disgusts you?
  • What sort of news or stories depress you?
  • What inspires you?
  • Who do you admire?
  • What about them is admirable?
  • What makes you happy?
  • Which of your actions and behaviors feel wrong to you?
  • What do you consider unacceptable behavior in a partner?
  • How do you feel when someone asks for help?

 

These questions are just a few that will help provide answers that reveal your personal values. Once you figure some of them out, you can ask your partner about their values.

There is no right or wrong answer. This is for the purpose of learning about yourself, so you can feel good about the life you’re living.

Why Similar Values Matter in Relationships

Do you lack discipline and your partner values self-control? Do you value personal hygiene and your partner only has an on and off relationship with cleanliness?

Are you motivated by money, whereas your partner trusts that things will work themselves out with finances?

If, for example, you value security and your partner loves taking risks and fly by the seat of his or her pants, you will encounter difficulties.

 

A True Story (without a happy ending)

Jared met Valerie on a hike on the Appalachian trail. Valerie was taking a little break from her demanding University schedule, where she was studying law. Jared was on a month-long hike, after he dropped out of university.

They really connected on that hike and stayed in touch while Valerie finished her education and studied for the bar. Jared decided to do some bartending and freelance writing. Things were great while they were dating. Valerie appreciated Jared’s relaxed attitude about life, while she pursued a career in law.

It didn’t take long after they were married that trouble began. Valerie needed to feel secure, and money was a vehicle with which to achieve that. Jared needed to feel free and never thought much about money. He thought that she was being ridiculous, because he knew that things would always work out. Valerie’s childhood was volatile and there was never quite enough for anything, so she couldn’t understand Jared’s attitude. She felt that he was being irresponsible and didn’t care about her needs.

Of course, they both became aware of all their other differences, which added up and added up until neither one remembered why they were even together anymore.

Jared was messy, while Valerie valued neatness and cleanliness. Jared didn’t mind telling people exactly what he thought, while Valerie didn’t want to ruffle feathers.

You get the point, they never knew to discuss or even look at their values and, in the end, it ruined their relationship.

The Moral of the Story

For a successful, calm and happy relationship, it’s important that you and your partner have similar core values.

If you value honesty and your partner likes to fudge the truth and make excuses on a consistent basis, you will lose respect over time. It doesn’t matter how much you try to ignore it or make excuses for him or her. Somewhere within you, this feeling will grow and it will make you notice other things until it seems that this person has no good qualities left.

Talk about your values with your partner, preferably before you make a commitment to each other. Watch if their words match their actions. A person will show you who they are if you are willing to see.

Too many differences in values will eventually make you feel critical toward each other. Criticism will lead to defensiveness, which leads to contempt. See www.gottman.com Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

You will either end up as this older couple who has nothing left to say to each other and suffers silently, or you will end up leaving the relationship and potentially getting into another relationship with the same problems.

Your values are what define you, whether you acknowledge them or not. It is worth taking the time to figure them out. There are plenty of online tools to help.

For a more personal approach, reach out to a counselor before you make a commitment for life to a person who may be defined by a whole different set of values than you.

More on values and what they are.  www.betterup.com/blog/personal-values-examples

Pay to have your values assessed. www.findyourvalues.com

To read more about the five essential qualities: https://medium.com/@neuckh/couples-in-happy-relationships-do-these-five-simple-things-0ae7b7cc6c27

Energy • • • By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

An Essential Quality Required for a Happy Relationship. Part One

Energy

This quality is a significant component in a satisfying relationship. That isn’t to say that you will absolutely fail without it, but one partner will most likely find him or herself frustrated, lonely and losing respect over time, which leads to contempt.

This essential quality is a person’s energy level.

Of course, we all have days in which we have more or less energy, but this article is about a person’s overall energy level, which is an intrinsic quality.

 

What exactly is that?

We humans exist on a continuum of energy levels. It goes from one extreme to the other with everything in between.

  • On one end of the continuum are people we label as an A type personality. We describe them as someone who has high ambition, urgency and is very competitive. They are driven, can be workaholics and are very goal oriented.

This personality also has trouble relaxing. They put a lot of pressure on themselves, often multitask and are anxious. They are very focused and            can be impatient and even hostile when things don’t go according to their plan.

They are very time oriented and aggressive when intent on accomplishing tasks, which can show up as rudeness. They are often described as                  defensive when confronted with certain realities.

  • On the other end of the continuum are people described as type B personalities. They are calmer, generally have lower stress levels and typically work at a steady, slower pace. Their sense of time is likely poor, but they display patience, encourage teamwork, and show more emotional stability.

This personality type leans more toward daydreaming. They typically have a laissez faire attitude and may be forgetful. They are prone to               procrastination and distractions. They are naturally more flexible.

 

  • You may be one of those fortunate human beings who is more balanced. Some days you’re driven but you know how to relax. You see the bigger picture but know that time is of the essence. You can stay calm, yet intense.

Then there are variations on those energy levels.

  • We all know people who are frequently up to something. They are curious and adventurous. They are creative. They are inspiring and fun to be around.
  • And then, of course, those people who are downers. Nothing is good enough, life is hard, and they often have nothing to contribute, because why even try anything new and different.

 

How do I know what I am?

What is essential, is that you know who you are!! Where you belong.

Even if you never share this introspection with anyone, you must assess who you are with brutal honesty.

The couples I have come to know that have a more successful, satisfying relationship have similar energy levels.

They paid attention when they were dating and made this quality an absolute must.

 

What will it do?

Being in a relationship with someone with opposite energy levels will most likely lead to frequent upset and arguments. Over time this same old disagreement will create a lack of communication, which creates distance, which creates loneliness, a lack of respect and finally contempt.

Contempt is One of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse coined by Dr. John Gottman. See https://www.gottman.com

It’s just like a snowball rolling down the mountain, eventually creating an avalanche that buries the relationship.

 

John and Sarah

One of those couples is John and Sarah. They’ve been together for over 20 years.

John is a very successful entrepreneur. He’s driven, smart and opinionated. He has lots of friends and people who look up to him.

Sarah is an easy-going, pretty, homebody. She doesn’t have to work and likes it that way. She dotes on her kids and loves to sleep in. She is a kind and loving person.

John adored Sarah initially. Over time, however, as his business grew and more and more responsibilities fell on him, he became frustrated with Sarah’s lack of ambition toward anything. Her forgetfulness, her procrastination and inability to even keep the house clean.

He began to lecture her. Quickly, his lectures became demeaning and disrespectful, calling her lazy, unwilling to learn and dismissing any of her opinions.

Sarah, who thought she had found her successful prince charming, quickly began to lose any self-respect she may have had. She internally withdrew from John and took refuge in their children.

There were many arguments over the years, often in front of the kids. It became a predictable disagreement, a hamster wheel.

Now, with the kids nearly grown, they find themselves disillusioned and lonely. They feel trapped.

John can’t see a way out, because he feels a strong sense of responsibility toward his children and the large property he loves. Sarah, because she can’t imagine anything different, plus she could not possibly support herself at this stage.

 

This is one of the five essential qualities for a healthy, happy relationship. https://medium.com/@neuckh/couples-in-happy-relationships-do-these-five-simple-things-0ae7b7cc6c27

Stay tuned for Part Two of what makes for a great relationship. https://encinitas-counseling.com/an-essential-quality-in-happy-relationships/

Acceptance Aging Belonging Loneliness Stress • • • By Christina De Valencia 0 Comments

Fitting In

Fitting in is natural when we are prepubescent and preadolescent. It is a healthy way of imitating the world around us as we learn about ourselves. At that age life is still new to us and we are learning so much.

Some children are born knowing themselves and march to the beat of their own drum early on. But for most of us, it doesn’t work that way. We learn through the process of elimination, of observation.

Or we don’t.

When we are pressured to do, think, and behave in ways that others expect from us, it can become difficult to hear our own voice. Our parents or caregivers experience the world differently, which they try to impose on us. They think they are doing the best for us. They don’t mean us harm.

However, the result is a disconnection from ourselves in the pursuit of fitting in. We learn to deny our inner voice.
There are definitely times when it is appropriate to fit in. When we visit other countries, for example, it is important to respect other’s culture and traditions. But those are the exceptions.

It isn’t something you want to do in your daily life. Living that way is rejecting everything that makes you yourself; putting on an act. It’s draining the life out of you. Trying to be perfect. And we all know there is no such thing.

We are encouraged to follow the norm not only by our parents or caregivers. It’s society in general. School, neighbors, relatives, friends, social media. There’s a lot of pressure to be like everyone else, to match up to society’s ideas of how we should look, think, and act. Perfectionism.

We want to look cool, be popular, successful, doing the acceptable thing, and look good while doing it. Appearing like we have it all together. It’s a stressful way to live.

I know, in my life, fitting in was paramount. We moved from a large city to a smaller one, where my dad started his own business. He quickly became successful and well known in town. That meant that his family had to keep up his image of a successful, smart and well to do man. His very beautiful wife, my mother, only left the house looking perfect and being charming. Appearance was very important to him. His children had to look equally perfect. Everyone knew and admired the perfect family.

It was a pressure cooker that was inevitably going to explode when we, his kids, hit puberty. I ended up leaving when I was fifteen. My siblings took a deep dive into drugs. For each of us, the suffering was enough to search for an authentic expression of ourselves. I’m happy to say that today we no longer fit in. Yeah!!

I have finally found my own tribe and the happiness I get to experience by having a life that is meaningful to me allows me to be loving and gentle with the people with whom I no longer fit.

Not every family has that experience though. When the pressure is low key and steady, it is easier to get trapped into performing in ways that are expected of us. Many of us walk through life continually believing that we have to fit in, to look perfect, and not make waves. It’s our own personal skull sized hell.

It’s living a life of quiet desperation.

When we try to fit in, we know that something is wrong in our lives. It’s exhausting! We become depressed. We give up. We trudge to our jobs to make enough to pay our bills. Life has lost meaning. Life has become a predictable, unsatisfactory routine. We’re afraid to do anything different. We don’t know what we should do different.

We drink more. Have you noticed the continually increasing areas for alcohol in stores? We smoke weed or take stronger stuff. Antidepressants, drugs, sex, technology, whatever helps us to avoid feeling that pain of living so inauthentically.

We are meant to live out loud, even if we’re introverts. To express our uniqueness. March to the beat of our own drum.

It’s sharing that crazy idea, talking about the strange thoughts or experiences we have. It’s dancing when the music moves us. It’s teaching yoga, even if we have a law degree. It’s painting, even though our parents told us we’ll never make a living that way.

It’s opening yourself up. Becoming genuine. Stepping into the person you are and unapologetically being you.

Pain and suffering is nature’s way of inspiring change. When there’s enough discomfort, we will seek a different path.

  • It takes practice. It takes being willing to listen to yourself. Stop that inner chatter telling you how you have to act. Find a counselor to help you.
  • It takes courage! Not everyone will like you.
  • It takes maturity! Learning to make wise decisions for your life, recognizing reckless behavior. Being responsible with the freedom that comes with authenticity.
  • It takes humility. We are not better, or more important than our neighbor, our co-worker or friend. We may be different, but no more significant than anyone else. There is no need to push our differences onto others.
  • Being you does not mean hurting others but being kind to yourself and others. Remember that everyone is struggling in some form or other.
  • It’s important to find your tribe! Find the people that you belong with. It may take some time. Not everyone you meet will be your person, but believe me, they are out there.

Belonging, not fitting in

Belonging isn’t about what other people think of you. It’s not about being liked for what you’ve done or what you look like. It’s definitely not about making other people like you.

Belonging allows you to be yourself. Finding the people you connect with naturally. When you belong, people care about you as a person. It is effortless. It flows. It brings out the best in you.

Belonging allows you to truly connect to others. To become intimate emotionally. To be accepted for who you are. It allows you to let your hair down.

We all long to be seen, heard, and understood. It is what every human being craves. It’s impossible to be seen if we don’t show ourselves; if we are not authentic.

Without authenticity and vulnerability we cannot experience true intimacy.

Finding other souls that you belong with brings feelings of excitement, but also peace. You sense that you can finally find rest, and you won’t be judged for that silly thing you said, thought or enjoy doing. You won’t be criticized for having a bad day or week.
There are no expectations to be met.

Our differences are what lights up our world. Our crazy ideas are the next innovations. This is how we inspire others. Well behaved people never make history. Even if you don’t aspire to make the history books, be a light for others. Be hope. Be an inspiration so others can find their way out of darkness.

We do that simply by being ourselves.

The price to fit in is too high!!

Being Busy
Belonging Busyness Loneliness • By Christina De Valencia 0 Comments

Being Busy Does NOT Mean You’re Doing Something Meaningful

We all have times when we are truly busy. When we’re overwhelmed with tasks that need to be addressed, but most of the time we do not have a legitimate reason to be busy all the time.

Maybe we keep busy to distract ourselves from issues we can’t or don’t want to address in the moment. Or ever.

Maybe we don’t know how to prioritize our days or set boundaries.

Maybe it helps us to avoid dealing with people.

Maybe we are stuck in a situation that seems unbearable and staying busy is the only way to get through.

More often our busyness does not accomplish anything meaningful.

It only gives us an elevated sense of importance. It creates the illusion that what we are doing matters.

If you’re repeatedly being told by someone that they are busy, it can be hurtful. I used to reach out to my sister to have coffee, just to have some uninterrupted time for the two of us. We are both immigrants to this country, we have left our family and home. We are the only ones on this continent. We love each other. But her response is always “I’m so busy”. I know my sister and know there are a lot of nuances to her busyness. Over time I just backed off and our relationship stagnated. We do see each other now and then in group settings, but the intimate connection is gone.

Relationships sometimes disappear altogether when no effort is made. Good friendships fall by the wayside. Family members no longer see each other. It isn’t because people don’t care for each other. We just don’t think about the importance of reaching out. We are keeping busy.
We don’t see the big picture.

We don’t realize the importance of connection.

Sometimes I feel full of energy, washing dishes, cleaning the house, doing the laundry when I should be handling something more important or going for a walk with a friend. I feel like I am accomplishing a lot, when in fact I am just spinning my wheels. Of course, keeping my house clean and livable matters, but definitely not nearly as much as that human connection.

Our phones hold us hostage. When the phones were on a leash, we were free. Now they’re free and we are on a leash. We scroll, post on social media, text and scroll some more. We have lost our ability to just be with another person. To notice them next to us. To just feel whatever there is to feel.

All the while, anxiety and loneliness in our country is increasing. Depression is on the rise.

Watch when you sit in a waiting room at the doctor’s office or anywhere you have to wait. At the airport, standing in line somewhere. Literally everyone is looking down at their phones. It’s impossible to make eye contact.

Life is short! Haven’t we all heard that before? Well, it’s true!!

The older I get, the more aware I become of the fleeting time on this planet. The joys that are available to me when I connect with others. The deep satisfaction of a meaningful conversation. The good feeling of a chat with a neighbor or in the grocery store. The story someone is telling me about their life. Sharing a good meal with a friend.

Little kids notice everything. They’re curious. Once you hand them that electronic device, they’ll lose that. Little by little, their playfulness disappears, and they’ll proclaim boredom if they don’t have access.

We all are only given a finite amount of time. Make it matter. Build the relationship. In the end, and I don’t mean at the end, all we have is each other. All that matters are the people in our lives. Have that cup of coffee with someone, that glass of wine, listen to their story, happy or sad. Reach out. That’s what will make us all feel better, excited and fulfilled.

Even if you are an introvert.

We humans are not loners, by nature, like the tiger or the bear. We need each other for love, inspiration, encouragement, companionship, hope and to feel that we matter.

Let’s be a little less busy. Let’s put that phone down.
Let’s reach out.
Let’s make time for each other.

Pay Atrention to What you Feel
Belonging Confidence Tribe • • • • • • By Christina De Valencia 0 Comments

Pay Attention To The Way You Feel

The way you are treated is more important than how much you like them (although that will come).

We’ve all experienced feeling small around certain people. Not good enough. Flawed. Insecure. Those people may even have been our parents. Or someone at work, people in our social circle, maybe our sibling.

We feel constricted, not freely flowing from our hearts. Somewhat nervous, wanting to do the “right” thing, say the “right” thing. We may not even notice what’s happening until later, we’re so caught up in wanting to measure up, make the right impression. Wanting to be liked, desperate to be loved.

Sometimes, depending on the person we’re with, we don’t know what to say. Our minds go blank. We say something stupid or talk too much.

Nothing about those interactions or relationships bring out the best in us. They don’t allow us to grow. We only defend ourselves, we hide, we pretend, we play small or brag too much.

This isn’t about surrounding ourselves with people who kiss our ass or are pretentious. It isn’t about playing nice, not being straight with each other. We all have things we need to learn, pay attention to and change.

This is deeper. It’s on a soul level. It’s the recognition of someone speaking your language, of someone from your tribe. It’s about being genuine and honest with each other. It’s about wanting to know the other person deeply. Without judgment. Without criticism.

It’s about growing. Becoming the best version of ourselves.

Our lives move so quickly. Everything passes in a heartbeat. We don’t have time to waste time with people who make us feel wrong or small. Nothing good comes from that.

However, it’s unrealistic to think we can avoid them altogether. We all have to find a way to live together. We all have to deal with uncomfortable situations, painful interactions and hurtful people.

But we have to choose carefully those with whom we want to spend our time. We must be very discerning about the people we invite into our lives!

None of this is easy. Most of us have deep insecurities and often feel that we need to accept what we are given.

My early life was full of criticism. I felt like nothing about me was good enough. My parents were sure to let me know every day. I now know they only wanted good things for me and didn’t know how to keep me safe and make me feel loved. I have nothing but compassion for them now. Their childhood was worse than mine and they did their best.

But it left me totally insecure and confused about life. I felt like everyone knew more, and even worse, knew better than me. I looked out through my eyes, like a window, and felt disconnected, unworthy and alone. I had no trust in myself, my feelings and instincts. I was full of conflicts and chaos. I didn’t feel like I deserved good treatment. I actually had no idea that there were people who could make me feel good or even just sort of ok.

I chose people who made me feel as small, confused, and chaotic as my family. It felt familiar. I was used to it and I attracted more of it into my life.

I thought that this was how life was supposed to be. My nervous system knew the drill. I was accustomed to it.

This is why we humans stay in abusive relationships: our nervous system recognizes the feelings, the patterns. It activates our adrenaline, we feel alive. Miserable and in pain, but alive.

Here’s the amazing, miraculous thing though: our soul or higher self knows better. Our spirit deeply longs for recognition. It knows this isn’t how life should be.

If we’re willing to be still, even just sometimes, if we’re willing to listen, we can connect to that deep inner knowing.

You won’t connect to it if you keep filling your life with busyness, drugs, alcohol, sex or whatever you dream up.

Be still and learn to trust. Be willing to grow as a human being.

With time this knowing grows. You become stronger and you begin to choose people who bring goodness into your life. That is when miracles show up. That is when life becomes good in the most sacred, deep, fulfilling, and crazy way.

This works for all of us. You only need to be willing. And never give up!

If you found this helpful, please share

Covid
Covid-19 • • • • • By Christina De Valencia 0 Comments

Life On The Roller-Coaster

Are you experiencing lots of different emotions lately?

One day you feel ok, the next you can’t seem to get out of bed. One day you are so depressed you can barely move, the next day you feel hopeful and energetic.

The word I hear everywhere is roller coaster.

The other thing I notice is this urgency to pretend we are ok.

We are not ok right now!!

Don’t even try to pretend. We are grieving!

Yes, it’s grief.

Grief is an intense physical and psychological response to loss. It’s a necessary, normal and natural reaction to loss or change of any kind. Your mind and body are trying to make sense of the loss.

We have lost so much. We have lost our sense of security about life itself, our very existence. No one knows what the future may bring.

If you had a successful small business, a thriving big business, a great gig at a cool restaurant, or a seemingly secure position at a solid company…it’s suddenly gone for most of us.

We don’t know what’s coming. It’s frightening and stressful to think about paying the bills or just even surviving. You have to grieve! Life as you knew it is gone.

My son offered to bring me some supplies and because I wanted to see him, said yes. We carefully transferred the goods and stood in the parking lot, six feet apart, talking. It felt weird. When he left we didn’t hug. We always hug. It felt unnatural. I was sad afterwards

Along with grief we are afraid. Afraid to realistically look at the future, afraid to go out among others, afraid to die.

A friend was beside herself because someone close was dying and she could not see him or comfort him. It broke her heart to know he had to go through this alone.

You may ask yourself what is the purpose of this kind of life?

In grief we feel shock, anxiety, anger, depression, defiance, denial and finally acceptance. Not necessarily in this order and to varying degrees. That’s the roller coaster.

I spent quite a while in shock, maybe longer than most. A lot of people in one of my business groups were acting all positive and doing business as usual. I couldn’t do that.

But I stopped beating myself up. I gave myself permission to do nothing. To sleep late, to tune out. I gave myself time to process this.

It’s human nature to want to understand and categorize life.

We don’t have to pretend that our sad and scared feelings aren’t there. That our feelings should be dismissed or handled by learning something positive.

Sad feelings are a part of life. They exist! Especially during these times, you may wake up and forget for a moment, then you remember. It hits you. Hard.

This virus pandemic takes away our sense of security. We don’t know what will come next. We can’t count on anything anymore.

Although I have no solution for this thing we are experiencing, I do know that most of us are forced to slow down. Within this forced seclusion, whether alone or with family, we are reconnecting with ourselves and nature.

That’s a positive thing!

Parents have to pay attention to their children. Couples are forced to deal with each other. Single people have to come to terms with themselves.

And there is hope. Nothing lasts forever. This too shall pass. We can learn to adjust to a new way of life.

Responsibility • • • By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

The Spiritual Truth No One wants to Accept

Sometimes I read an article and I agree with everything in it, like this one here by Will Aylward. I’ve had the same responses and thoughts as Will, so I’ll just share it with you.

“No matter how much I protest, I am 100% responsible for what happens to me in my life.” ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer

Agree or disagree with this statement?

Personally, I agree. Without a shadow of a doubt, we are all 100% responsible for what happens to us in our lives.

There is a chance you’re thinking, “This is absurd, Will, how can we be 100% responsible for what happens to us in our lives? That means being responsible for everything, even all the terrible stuff that happens to us. What about trauma victims? What about the people in the world who lose their homes to natural disasters? What of those suffering from cancer?”

~~

Now, if this sounds something like your trail of thought, bear with me. I hear you, I really do.

Allow me to share with you my truth. Stepping into this new perspective just might change your world. Part of you may feel daunted, but part of you, I can almost guarantee, will feel liberated.

I first heard this statement about responsibility in 2016, during one of Dr. Dyer’s guided meditations on YouTube. I had really gotten into this particular guided meditation. It was an Ahhh meditation, requiring me to—you guessed it—Ahhh along with Dr. Dyer, and project this ancient sound out into the world.

There I sat each morning, alone on the cool and smooth tiles of my living room floor, Ahhh-ing away.

”Wow, I’m so spiritual, right now,” I would think to myself, just before thinking, ”That’s not a very spiritual way of thinking, is it?”

Anyway, after about 10 minutes, Dr. Dyer would introduce the second part of the guided meditation. In his distinct and deep voice, he would say, ”We will now consider the affirmations of the day.”

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On the whole, these affirmations resonated with me:

I know in each moment I am free to decide, and my past is nothing more than the trail I have left behind.

What drives my life today is the energy I generate in each of my present moments.

Naturally, my mind would commentate:

”Nice, so true, we are free to decide—and wow, you’re on fire, Wayne, the past is nothing more than the trail I’ve left behind.”

All of my mind’s commentary sounded like this, positive and in agreement. Well, almost all.

One affirmation just never sat right with me, and you may have guessed which affirmation this was:

No matter how much I protest, I am totally responsible for what happens to me in my life.

”BULLSH*T!,” my mind would scream in ironic protest.

”The other affirmations, faultless Wayne, good job. I’m with you, mate. But this one…I’m not buying.”

My attention now torn away from the guided meditation, I would sit, embarrassed, as if a potty-mouthed friend had just barged in on my ultra-spiritual moment.

”Man, I was doing so well up until that point,” I sulked.

Try as I might, every time I heard this affirmation my reaction was the same. I just couldn’t appreciate it—as far as I was concerned, it was wrong. It was as wrong as if Dr. Dyer had been pointing at a white wall and telling me it was black.

Then, one day, the penny dropped.

I was listening to a podcast, and Tony Robbins, speaking about responsibility, said this simple sentence:

“Responsibility literally means ‘the ability to respond.’”

The cogs in my mind began to turn…

Hang on a minute, so what Dr. Dyer is really saying is this: No matter how much I protest, I am totally able to respond to what happens to me in my life.

Boom. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. I got it, finally.

This felt so different from my original train of thought.

The problem with the word responsibility is it has become synonymous with the word blame.

“Who is responsible?” has evolved to mean “Who is to blame?” or “Whose fault is this?”

It was fascinating for me to observe the difference, emotionally, between viewing responsibility in these two lights.

When I viewed responsibility as being about blame, a strange cocktail of emotions came up: shame, shock, helplessness. I felt like a victim. However, now that I view responsibility as our ability to respond, well, I feel empowered, able, liberated. I feel like a victor, an owner of my fate.

Because isn’t it true, no matter what life throws at us, that we are able to respond on some level?

We are able to respond by choosing what meaning we give to events—is this a problem or an opportunity? We are able to respond by deciding what actions we will take in response—will I take on the role of a victim and do nothing, or will I take action and exercise my ability to respond?

You see, we totally have a choice. Not in what happens to us, but in how we use our ability to respond to what happens. In other words, we choose how responsible we want to be.

There are countless stories of humans in the most horrific of situations (Viktor Frankl, for example) who never forget their ability, or I would say power, to respond. No matter what life takes away from us, it will never take away our ability to respond.

Since the penny dropped for me in understanding responsibility, life has been different. Now, when I’m faced with a challenge or an undesired situation, the first step I take is to remind myself that I am responsible for this.

I am responsible because this is the reality that has been served to me. Whether I asked for it or not, whether it was my fault or not, even whether I like it or not, this is my experience in this moment, and I feel powerful when I recognize my power to respond.

This Eckhart Tolle quote serves as a great reminder, as well:”Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.”

Whatever happens to us between now and the rest of our lives, we are responsible.

Let’s never forget the huge power we hold in our ability to respond.

 

See Will’s original article here: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/09/the-spiritual-truth-no-one-wants-to-accept/

 

Acceptance Happiness By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

What If We All Did This?

Recently my yoga teacher was talking about balance and neutrality. What he shared was different than I expected (that’s a lesson in itself, isn’t it?). I was sure he was going to lecture how we need balance in life, the yin and yang of things.

What he actually did talk about was that we seem to experience a lot of extreme ups and downs lately and we are all so focused on putting a positive spin on everything. Make it all look good. See the positive in your break-up or when you get laid off or fired. It’s over the top.

On the flip side, there are people who are always focused on the negative, the next crash or disappointment. They are standing in line at the check-out and the cashier closes the register: they just know that this was bound to happen to them. Nothing ever works out; you can bet on it, they tell you. They are off and running with the latest story of how they got screwed buying tires recently. They “know” the world is going to hell in a hand-basket.

Or we do both in the span of a week, a day, an hour. We are either way up or way down. Like an adrenaline rush. Things are working out and we are flying high, things aren’t working out and we get depressed.

Well, neither one of those perspectives is real. Life simply IS!

It is much less exhausting if we can acknowledge these ups and downs. If we can just observe life working out or not working out as we had hoped. What if we could just accept what is? Neither act positive nor negative. Just acknowledge that something, whether that is sad, painful or super-exciting. Allow it to run its course, because you know it will.

That’s where true peace resides.

What if you are having a conversation that triggers the memory of an incredibly painful time in your life? Of course if you are in a check-out line at the store, it’s not appropriate to delve into it, but what if that happens with friends or family? Or while you are posting in Instagram, Twitter or Facebook.

Wouldn’t it be incredibly freeing to know that you don’t have to pretend? You can express the facts of what is happening, recognize that although you feel upset this too shall pass.

Or feeling the high of getting our way, because you know this is also fleeting. It’s wonderful, that feeling of making things happen, but observe it. Watch that ego going overboard and rein it in a bit. Opt for balance.

We can share the truth of our lives without delving into a negative story, but with honesty and the awareness that this happens to all of us at one time or another.

Feelings come and go along with our memories. Sometimes talking is the most healing thing you can do, other times just taking time out to process on your own is best.

Extremes are rarely the answer.

Too much positivity creates shame, guilt and envy in others (and if that’s your intention then you likely have those feelings about your own life).

Too much negativity is depressing.

The best gift we can give each other is authenticity and vulnerability; we recognize ourselves in each other. That is where we  connect.

We don’t connect when only sharing our strengths.

What would it look like if we were authentic and accept what is?

Inspiration By Christina de Valencia 0 Comments

How the practice of letting go of control can help us find the magic in life.

Some days I wake up and want everything to be orderly and predictable. That’s unusual, because I have a spontaneous, risk-taking personality.

When this happens, I notice that I’m feeling a bit unsafe, kind of insecure about my life. Maybe I recently had a disagreement with someone important to me or maybe I’m worried about my finances.  It’s some kind of anxiety, some form of fear.

This anxiety does not come from situations, but from our brains creating stories. So our need for control or structure is a reaction to our mind telling us that we have no control

But we are human and we all have a need for structure. Some of us more, some less. It gives us a feeling of safety, a feeling of control. Even though this sense of safety is an illusion, it’s ok; it’s a human longing in our changing world.

If you become too rigid, though, you run the risk of missing out on the beautiful things in life.

Rigidity or trying to control everything also contributes to depression and a feeling of hopelessness, like there is nothing left to look forward to.

Sometimes this inflexibility comes with age; sometimes it’s something within that you were born with. Sometimes it was created by your circumstances in childhood.

So it’s good to be aware of your need for structure, monitor it and change it up a bit every once in a while.

It’s not comfortable at first to change your routine, it probably even feels scary, but we only grow (and have lots of fun) when we step out of our comfort zone.

If you always do your grocery shopping on Saturday, for example and can’t accept an invitation for a get-together, you might be missing out on some wonderful experiences that only happen spontaneously.

Make yourself go shopping on Thursday after work maybe. It might make your day longer and maybe more harried, but what if you meet your next friend in that check-out line? What if your Saturday is open and you end up at someone’s backyard cook-out, where you have more fun than you’ve had in a while? What if you meet that one person who changes your life for the better?

Over-planning or controlling kills magic!

You will find the delightful, the magical, the enchanted in the spontaneous moment of life. They will show up in unplanned moments, and unexpected situations.

Let’s live fully.

Let’s be alive.

Let’s say YES to life.

Let’s go out today and do it differently than yesterday.

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