An Essential Quality in Happy Relationships. Part Two

Values

I didn’t even know what that was in my younger years. The majority of people I talk to never even give them a thought. They’re “um, what do you mean?”

Have you spent any time looking at your values? Has anyone explained what are they? I think that’s the problem, no one talks about them as we’re growing up.

What are Values?

Values are the things that you believe are important in the way you live and work.

Values are your beliefs of right and wrong.

Values are an integral part of an individual’s personality. They can be defined as personal goals that are linked to our emotions. Therefore, they significantly influence what makes you happy or discontent in life.

We have many values and some of these can change over the course of our lives. Our values are influenced by the people we surround ourselves with and the culture we live in.

Some of the core values include integrity, security, loyalty, discipline, accountability, consistency, self-determination, generosity, kindness and many more.

Values are the rules by which we live our lives. We have a hierarchy of these values, which means on your list of values, some will be more important than others.

How to Define Your Values

Defining your values can be tricky. You may have wishful thoughts about how you want to be perceived, which causes you to behave in ways that don’t feel good to you.

Or the culture you’ve grown up in insists on certain beliefs and behaviors that cause you discomfort.

It can be helpful to ask yourself some questions that support you in how to define your true beliefs.

• Thinking about your life, what is the most important aspect?
• What do you admire most in life?
• What disgusts you?
• What sort of news or stories depress you?
• What inspires you?
• Who do you admire?
• What about them is admirable?
• What makes you happy?
• Which of your actions and behaviors feel wrong to you?
• What do you consider unacceptable behavior in a partner?
• How do you feel when someone asks for help?

These questions are just a few that will help provide answers that reveal your personal values. Once you figure some of them out, you can ask your partner about their values.

There is no right or wrong answer. This is for the purpose of learning about yourself, so you can feel good about the life you’re living.

Why Similar Values Matter in Relationships

Do you lack discipline and your partner values self-control? Do you value personal hygiene and your partner only has an on and off relationship with cleanliness?

Are you motivated by money, whereas your partner trusts that things will work themselves out with finances?

If, for example, you value security and your partner loves taking risks and fly by the seat of his or her pants, you will encounter difficulties.

A True Story (without a happy ending)

Jared met Valerie on a hike on the Appalachian trail. Valerie was taking a little break from her demanding University schedule, where she was studying law. Jared was on a month-long hike, after he dropped out of university.

They really connected on that hike and stayed in touch while Valerie finished her education and studied for the bar. Jared decided to do some bartending and freelance writing. Things were great while they were dating. Valerie appreciated Jared’s relaxed attitude about life, while she pursued a career in law.

It didn’t take long after they were married that trouble began. Valerie needed to feel secure, and money was a vehicle with which to achieve that. Jared needed to feel free and never thought much about money. He thought that she was being ridiculous, because he knew that things would always work out. Valerie’s childhood was volatile and there was never quite enough for anything, so she couldn’t understand Jared’s attitude. She felt that he was being irresponsible and didn’t care about her needs.

Of course, they both became aware of all their other differences, which added up and added up until neither one remembered why they were even together anymore.

Jared was messy, while Valerie valued neatness and cleanliness. Jared didn’t mind telling people exactly what he thought, while Valerie didn’t want to ruffle feathers.

You get the point, they never knew to discuss or even look at their values and, in the end, it ruined their relationship.

The Moral of the Story

For a successful, calm and happy relationship, it’s important that you and your partner have similar core values.

If you value honesty and your partner likes to fudge the truth and make excuses on a consistent basis, you will lose respect over time. It doesn’t matter how much you try to ignore it or make excuses for him or her. Somewhere within you, this feeling will grow and it will make you notice other things until it seems that this person has no good qualities left.

Talk about your values with your partner, preferably before you make a commitment to each other. Watch if their words match their actions. A person will show you who they are if you are willing to see.

Too many differences in values will eventually make you feel critical toward each other. Criticism will lead to defensiveness, which leads to contempt. See www.gottman.com Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

You will either end up as this older couple who has nothing left to say to each other and suffers silently, or you will end up leaving the relationship and potentially getting into another relationship with the same problems.

Your values are what define you, whether you acknowledge them or not. It is worth taking the time to figure them out. There are plenty of online tools to help.

For a more personal approach, reach out to a counselor before you make a commitment for life to a person who may be defined by a whole different set of values than you.

More on values and what they are.  www.betterup.com/blog/personal-values-examples

Pay to have your values assessed. www.findyourvalues.com

To read more about the five essential qualities: https://medium.com/@neuckh/couples-in-happy-relationships-do-these-five-simple-things-0ae7b7cc6c27